Season 1, Episode 12: The Debutante

"Amber, seriously - you should really try to relax. I'm afraid you're going to fry your circuits or something."

"I'm not going to fry my circuits. Come on. What am I, a transistor radio?"

"Yeah, OK, but my point stands. You are getting way too worked up about this party tonight. Truth be told, I doubt anybody is going to be there that I even like, so if they're bitchy to you, then who cares?"

"Then why are we going?"

She had a point. I'd been dreading Sasha's party since I agreed to it.

"Look," I said, "just think of this as a chance to practice your social skills. You had a lot of fun at that restaurant, and nobody recognized you as a Factory Girl. They just thought you were hot arm candy, right? This will be a different thing, but it's still just interaction."

"Yeah, I don't really believe you, because you're just as nervous as I am."

"Nah. I'm good. You should be, too."

She knew I was lying. But Amber didn't say anything. She just went right back to the bathroom mirror and her obsessive efforts to master a makeup look before going into that lion's den of Sasha's.

Finally...

"OK, this is it. This is what I'm going with, for better or worse."

"You will unquestionably be the best looking girl there."

"Hah! Liar. You're very sweet, though."

"All right, come on. Let's go get this over with."

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A few minutes later, at Sasha's art gallery...

"Well, hello! I'm so glad you came early! Welcome!"

"Sasha Moreau, meet Amber. Amber, this is our hostess, Sasha."

"Hi!" said Amber.

"What's your last name, sweetheart?"

"It's, ummm..."

"She actually doesn't have one yet," I said. "Or I guess what she has would be a number and a letter, so we're going to wait for some inspiration and then let her pick one."

"Oh, how fun! Well, don't be worried about this. It's just a small gathering of a few close friends."

"Like how many close friends?" I asked.

"All in all, we'll have eight tonight," said Sasha.

I didn't think that was too bad. But I actually did worry that Amber's circuits were going to fry based on the look she gave me.

Then the first guest showed up.

"Hey, hi."

"Anna!" said Sasha. "So glad you could make it. Amber, this is my best friend Anna Vasquez! Anna, meet Amber, and of course you know Oscar."

Anna just gave me the same shitty look she gives everybody. She's Sasha's best friend because she absolutely kisses her ass, but other than that I have no idea what Sasha sees in her. She's cute, but she's exceptionally mean.

Sasha was going on and on, telling Amber all about how cool Anna is, that she's this great photographer and maybe Amber could model for her.

"Hey, that would be pretty awesome," I said. "Amber, would you like to be a photo model?"

"I mean, wow! Sure!"

"Yeah, I'm not taking pictures of your sex robot, Oscar," Anna snapped at me.

I just looked at Sasha, who was absolutely unfazed by that rude remark.

Just then, two other women came in.

"Peyton! Brooklyn! So good of you to come!" said Sasha.

"You know I'll never miss one of your dinner parties, Sash," said Brooklyn.

I didn't know her very well. All I knew about her was that she was married with a little kid several years back, and her husband got some promotion with his job and he was supposed to be moving to Boston - I think it was Boston - and Brooklyn decided she'd rather break up the marriage than move with him. He got custody of the kid, she stayed here and that was that. I want to say she's the principal of some elementary school across town now.

Peyton was giving me a mean look.

"What?" I whispered.

"This isn't how I wanted to spend a Friday night."

"Well, then why are you here?"

"Because Sasha begged me. She said you'd need a friendly face at the table for this thing."

"I'm looking at your face and it's not that friendly, though."

"Yeah, because this isn't how I wanted to spend a Friday night."

"And you think this is my first choice?"

She just rolled her eyes.

Then came Kim, another of Sasha's close friends.

"Hey, Oscar! And this has to be Amber. Oh, my God. You are just magical, girl!"

"Thank you!" said Amber, who I could tell was desperate at that point for somebody to be nice to her rather than fake-nice.

I figured I needed to get closer to Amber, and maybe protect her, but then there was a tug at my arm.

"Let Sasha talk to her," said Peyton. "You can talk to me."

"Ohhh, I see. You're Dennis Rodman tonight."

"Huh?"

"You're the muscle. The defensive stopper. Keep me from getting to the basket. That figures."

"You don't have to be so mean to me. You know, not all that long ago I thought you liked me."

"I still kind of like you. Except you told me not to, remember?"

"This was a mistake."

"On that we agree."

But then...

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I'm late. Jim needed something from me today and I'd forgotten about it, and I had to get that taken care of, and...I'm just a mess."

"We're so glad you're here, Erica!" said Sasha.

And she made some introductions.

Erica.

She was the one who got away.

I was in grad school, and she was a sophomore. Absolutely the best looking woman I'd ever been around, and her looks weren't even her best feature. I managed to date her for three months, and it was heaven. Was it fair to say she ruined other women for me? I don't know, but Erica was perfect.

Too perfect.

She liked me. Not enough. We had a five-month romance that looked like it would turn into a 50-year marriage, but for a few reasons it stopped as quickly as it started. And six months later, Erica started dating Jim Stafford, who was 38 years old and who was already a multimillionaire CEO of an oil company. That was right around the time she was named Miss Louisiana.

She didn't win Miss America. She was the second runner-up. But she married Jim, which was hardly a consolation prize. Had four perfect kids with him. Crafted the perfect life. House featured in Southern Living.

Every once in a blue moon I'd run into Erica. It was always friendly. There was always some chemistry. It had been a couple of years since I'd seen her. But here she was.

"Hi, Oscar," she said.

"Hi there. Haven't seen you in a good while."

She smiled at me. It amazed me. It always did. That smile hadn't changed in 30 years.

Then Sasha decreed that we should sit down, and the seating arrangements were disadvantageous.

Not horribly so.

She said the caterers would need a few minutes before dinner would be ready, and that we'd open the wine in a little while. In the meantime she said it would be a wonderful opportunity for "pure conversation."

I wanted to get into that wine. But I resisted the temptation to grab the wine opener.

Sasha wanted to get to know Amber," said Peyton. "I've already met her, so it's not like I care."

"Right, OK," I said.

"Listen," said Erica. "I don't care about any of this. I came because I haven't seen you in so long and I thought it would be fun to catch up. So how are you?"

"I'm... I dunno. Working my ass off, trying to put my business back on its feet. COVID was a disaster and it wiped me out, but slowly it's coming back, so..."

"I didn't mean about work. Are you doing OK?"

"Yeah. I'd ask how you're doing, but I can tell you're just fine. The kids all good?"

“Oh, yeah. Michael is taking over the company, Ann Marie is pregnant and due later this year...”

"How about Jim?"

"Well, he just changed doctors and today he went to the General to get some tests..."

"The General is NOT the best hospital in town," said Peyton.

"Peyton," said Erica, "I don't want to be rude, but I really want to spend this time with Oscar, so..."

She gave a harrumph, and turned back toward the other end of the table.

And Erica stifled a giggle. So did I.

"I'd forgotten the famous Erica shutdown," I said.

"You just have to be nice if you're going to be a bitch, that's all."

"Right."

"It's just such a shame that you aren't in our social circle," she said. "I'm always hoping for some Oscar time, but..."

"Well, you aren't going to cheat on Jim with me, and so that sort of closes off the opportunities."

"Yeah, but I wish you and Jim had been friends. Or that you'd found somebody and then we could do couples things!"

"Erica, come on. I was the guy you dated before you met your husband. If I was Jim I wouldn't have let you near me, either."

"As friends? What's wrong with that?"

"Do you want to know a secret?"

She gave me a look like she didn't know how serious I was about to be.

"Men and women are never actually friends," I said.

"Oh, I don't believe that."

"Of course you don't, because you're 50 and you've had four kids and you still look like you're 32. There isn't a man on this planet who won't be your friend. But they're not your friend, they want to be your lover. That's how it works!"

"I mean, I can be friends with a guy."

"Yeah, sweetie. I know."

She laughed.

"OK, right, fine. I walked right into that one with you. You're still really funny, you know that?"

I smiled and nodded.

Just then, Kim leaned forward and looked at me.

"I really like her!" she mouthed at me, making a little secretive gesture in Amber's direction.

"That's so cool!" I whispered. "I promise I won't tell anybody!"

Kim smiled and turned back.

Erica was looking at me.

"How on earth are you not somebody's husband?"

"Seriously, Erica?"

"No, I mean it. It's weird. Like, how did that happen? You just gave up and now it's the robot life for you?"

"OK - that girl over there is my personal assistant. I keep telling everybody why I got her, and nobody is listening."

"Yeah, because you're lying. You don't get something that looks like she does and there's no, y'know..."

"I categorically refuse to discuss this with you."

"I know, but it makes me sad. It doesn't make you sad that you're all alone?"

"What the hell kind of question is that? Come on, Erica."

"I mean, you aren't dating anybody?"

"First dates. The last two involved a...chicken in my lap and an open insult to the host of a dinner party at his table. And not by me."

"Oh, I heard about that. That was Virgil Smith's party. We were supposed to go, and I was so upset we missed it."

"Well, you missed a hell of a show."

"I just want you to promise me that you aren't giving up. It's not too late, you know."

"I'm not giving up. But I am focusing on rebuilding the business. It's the only thing that matters right now."

"All work and no play."

"Broke middle-aged guys get no play, Erica."

"Ugh. That's so bleak."

"It's not bleak. It's the world. Might as well accept it. Women are beauty objects to men, and men are success objects to women. When my business went down the tubes I couldn't signal success. So, I have to rebuild that. And then maybe I'll be attractive to the kind of people I'm attracted to."

"Nobody is going to be attracted to a man who lives with a sex doll," said Peyton.

"Boy, you just know how to charm the pants off a guy, don't you?" I said.

Erica couldn't stifle her giggle this time. Peyton gave another harrumph.

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Back home...

"I'm so worn out I think I'm gonna be in a coma."

"I'm sorry I inflicted that on you, Amber. It wasn't fair. I know you weren't ready for it. And they made me sit at the opposite end of the table so Sasha could have her little circus. This won't happen again."

"It's fine. I mean, I really don't like that Anna girl. She was way too mean. Sasha was..."

"Sasha's horrible, honey."

"I won't say she's horrible. I mean, she was polite, and she seemed like she was interested in me, but..."

"But she was examining you like it was some sort of freakshow. I could tell from across the table. I should have gotten you out of there."

"No, like I said it was fine. And there's a silver lining, which is that I think I did make a friend."

"Who, Kim?"

"Yeah! She was really nice. She kept trying to talk to me and then Sasha would butt in. But Kim said she'd hit me up next week and we'll go hang out."

"That," I said, "would be an excellent outcome from tonight."

"Did you mean what you said, though? That I'm your personal assistant?"

"Think of that as a cover story. It's nobody's business but ours what you really are."

"So I'm...more than just a housekeeper and a secretary?"

"Sure. Of course!"

"Good. Because I definitely think I earned more tonight."

"I agree. Come here."

It had been a trying evening, even with the chance to catch up with Erica - as much as I liked seeing her, it was as painful as ever. But it was finally over.

We didn't even fool around. We just cuddled all night. And that was fine - at least until the next morning, when a little delayed gratification was just what the doctor ordered.