Season 1, Episode 19: The Arrival

"Hey," she said, as she plopped down on my desk like she'd do when she had something important to discuss.

"Yes, my darling and suddenly very blonde Amber?"

"You knew I was gonna go blonde eventually, so hush. And it feels so good when you call me that, even though I kind of think you're making fun of me when you do it."

"What? Never!"

"OK, you're funny. But I have something to tell you."

"I know. You're sitting on my desk. There's a pattern."

"Am I too predictable?"

"I kinda like it. Cuts down on the surprises."

"OK, whatever. So I know that you're all freaked out about what I'm costing you, but I came up with a solution."

"No."

"What do you mean, no? I haven't even told you the solution yet."

"Because it's OnlyFans, and the answer is no."

"Oh my God," she said. "I am, like, so insulted that you would think that's my solution."

"Really? The way you look I figured it would be a no-brainer that you'd go for that."

"Thank you...I think. But no. I don't want to do OnlyFans stuff. In case you haven't noticed I actually want to be a good girl."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, you're not a virgin, but..."

"But I'm yours, and I only want to be yours, and that's where it ends."

"Well, all right then."

I sat there thinking that this was practically surreal. Amber had been here two months and other than her rather incontinent penchant for acquisitions she'd been a better companion than any of the real girls I could remember dating.

Which was great. And not great.

But she was talking to me, and it seemed somewhat important, so I started paying attention again, and...

"So I call her Katie Pie, but she insists on being called Kathryn, and..."

"This is your... sister? OK, hang on. How is she your sister?"

"Well, so, we both came off the assembly line at the same time and she was next to me on the rack when we went through our initial programming at the factory, so we decided we'd be sisters."

"But you don't know her all that well, though."

"I mean, I know her. She's my sister!"

"Fine," I said, realizing this wasn't much of a point worth arguing.

"Anyway, she's getting transferred here. And so she has a housing allowance, and so..."

"Stop. Tell me again what this deal of hers is?"

"It's an accounting firm, and they send Factory Girls out to do the onsite client service."

"As opposed to just doing everything remotely like the rest of the world does? I don't get it."

"Well, what can you get Factory Girls to do that real girls won't?"

"What, like screw all the guys in the office?"

She just gave me a knowing look.

"No way," I said.

"I mean, I'm glad I've got you, because..."

"But that's a totally stupid business model," I said. "How long has this company been in business?"

"They're brand new."

"In absolutely no time flat this is going to generate sexual harassment lawsuits and God knows what else. I can't imagine that doesn't end in disaster."

"Why? Katie Pie doesn't care if she gets sexually harassed."

"Maybe not, but when the women in the office at Client X company find out that their accountants for hire are essentially call girls for the guys, they're gonna lawyer up. I can't even believe somebody cooked up this cockamamie scheme."

"Well, they did, and so Katie is coming to town to work some clients, and she needs a place to stay, and she gets five hundred a month in a housing allowance - and that solves our problem, so..."

"Amber, where are we putting her?"

"On the couch. Or in the living room closet. There's nothing much in there."

"And she's OK with that?"

"She says yeah. Are you?"

"This is a situation that I'm not allowed to say no to, I'm guessing."

"Ummm..."

"I reserve the right to pull the plug if this turns into a disaster. And I'm only agreeing to this because I have visions of it being an absolute mess otherwise. Plus you having your sister around is obviously a big thing and I'm cool with that. But what kind of a mess am I agreeing to?"

"Oh, not a mess at all. We love Katie Pie!"

"Hmmmmm. You never even mentioned her once, but we love her."

She just gave me a nervous look.

And then a big hug.

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But then, absurdly early the next morning...

"What the hell?" I said.

"Honey, is that the door?"

"I think so. I can't believe somebody would be ringing this early, though."

"What time is it?"

"It's not even six."

"Ugh. Are we in trouble?"

"Maybe. Wait. When did you say your sister was coming?"

"No! It can't be her."

"Well, I'll find out."

And sure enough...

"Good morning."

"Morning! You must be Karen."

"It's... Kathryn."

"Sorry! OF COURSE it's Kathryn. Welcome! Come on in. Bit early for error-free communication."

"Yes, well, I wanted to get an early start so I took the first flight out of Dallas and had an Uber waiting at baggage claim."

"Sounds very efficient."

"Katie Pie!"

"It's Kathryn. Please call me by my name. Hello, Amber Grace."

"Amber Grace?" I asked. They both ignored me.

"Oh my God, that haircut. Katie, what happened?"

"It's a professional...you're almost naked. Why are you criticizing my hair?"

"Because you woke us up before dawn, and you look like an FBI agent or a women's basketball coach. Katie, I have to work on you."

"Well, I'm here. I take it I can spread out on this table and get started? I have a busy day with my client, so..."

"Sure," I said. "Knock yourself out, but I'm going back to bed. Kathryn, it was nice to meet you. Amber Grace, you can, I guess, do whatever."

"I'll come back upstairs in a bit, Sweets. Katie Pie! I've missed you!"

"It's Kathryn. Please stop calling me Katie Pie."

As I went back to bed I could hear the sounds of mild, passive-aggressive arguing. But I was too sleepy to even think about it. And I'd gone back to bed and was asleep when Amber crawled in next to me.

And Amber was asleep when I woke up and started the day. Kathryn was gone as well, off to do...whatever it was that had brought her to town.

So I took care of a busy morning and a lunch meeting, then came back to a quiet house. I made it back up to the bedroom, to find...

"Amber, what are you still doing in bed? Oh, no - are you crying?"

"Yes."

"Aww, honey, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"Oh my God, she was so mean to me this morning! I don't know what to do. What if this was a terrible mistake?"

"You know, you might find that Kleenex works better than a paper towel to wipe your tears away with. Just saying."

"I know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me. I appreciate the effort, Oscar."

"Hey, whatever I can do. But get up. That's enough wallowing in...whatever. Do you want to talk about it?"

"In a minute. I'll get dressed."

"OK. I need to send an email, so I'll be back."

So I did, and Amber was up when I checked on her a few minutes later. But she'd worked herself into a lather...

"I'm telling you, Oscar, I'm not going to be talked to like that again. This is my home, you know."

"OK, I get it. I'll tell Kathryn this isn't going to work and we'll get her a hotel."

"No, I don't want you to be the bad guy. This isn't your problem. It's mine."

"I don't want you having a big blowout with your sister, though. You two ought to keep up relations. You're just different people, that's all. What did she say that got you so torqued up, anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fair enough. But can I give you some advice?"

"I'm listening. But I'm gonna get some work done while we talk."

"Yeah, good call. So long as you don't fall over."

She just smirked at me.

"I was going to say that maybe we should give your sister space to find her footing," I said. "She's defensive because she's the third wheel, and if we chill a little with her, maybe she'll do the same."

"All right, look. When Katie Pie comes home, I'm going to make peace with her and I promise I won't say anything that provokes her. She's like a snake in the corner when you piss her off, and I have a special talent for doing that."

"Maybe try calling her Kathryn and not Katie Pie. I got the impression that gets under her skin, and yet you keep doing it."

"Yeah, there is that."

"So these must be your new jeans, huh? I like 'em. Kind of a baggy '90's retro thing you've got going on. Even the top is sort of '90's retro."

"They're jeggings."

"Say what?"

"They look like jeans but they're really stretchy. It's kind of halfway between those skin-tight jeans you like on me and something that actually fits and is comfortable."

"Well, it's a cute look. Kind of a sexy housewife kinda thing you've got going there."

"Good. I'm glad you think so, because that's what I want."

"What, to look like a sexy housewife?"

"Well, yeah, but more than that."

She left me to ponder what that was supposed to mean.

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Amber and I had already eaten dinner by the time Kathryn came home. I suggested that maybe it would be a good idea to just let things be for a day.

Amber wasn't totally on board with the idea, but she'd come up with an idea for moving on. Which involved a treatise on... economics, of all things.

"Wait - are you reading The Road To Serfdom?" I asked her. "Your head's gonna start looking like an egg if you keep this up."

"Fine, but when I have questions about this you're going to explain it to me."

"Are you really going to plow through Hayek now?""

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, it's a little bit more dense than Dan Brown or even Ken Follett or Michael Crichton. Most people have their eyes glaze over when they dive into Austrian economic theory."

"Seems like it's time to read this based on what the Fed is up to and where inflation is going, though."

"Holy shit, Amber."

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just impressed, is all."

"I'll tell you what. I'm taking this to bed and you can deal with Kathryn. Maybe tomorrow I'll do my meeting of the minds with her, or over the weekend or something."

"That's fine. I'll keep it light. I'm just seeing the day when I catch you flipping through Ayn Rand."

"Well, Atlas Shrugged is my next read. But I'll have to order The Fountainhead, because I don't think you have it."

"You're correct, and I'm blown away. You're a book monster!"

"Yeah, but I'm a friendly book monster. Can we cuddle tonight?"

"Don't we always?"

"No, I mean CUDDLE cuddle."

"I think it would be a good idea."

"Excellent. What are you gonna do while I get my advanced economics lesson?"

"I dunno. Watch TV until your sister comes home and then see if I can build some rapport with her. If I can be a referee between you two or something I'd like to."

"Sure. Hope that works out."

A little while later, from the living room I could hear Kathryn come through the back door. Without saying anything she disappeared into the downstairs bathroom and emerged looking...somewhat similar to when she left the house.

"That's better. I'm out of my work clothes."

"Those are your lounge-around clothes?"

"Absolutely. I took my jacket off and changed my pants and shoes."

"Right. OK. Maybe...whatever. How was your day?"

"Lots of numbers."

"Gotcha. Want a drink? We've got everything. Beer, wine, I can make you a cocktail..."

"I don't drink."

"Water? Iced tea?"

"No, thank you."

"OK. I'm just watching TV. Trying to catch up on Stranger Things. Amber's hooked and she's ahead of me."

"I'm not a TV watcher."

"I see. So what do you want to do tonight?"

"I'm going to review my client's quarterly statements and see if there are irregularities or errors."

"Sounds like fun."

"Why would you say that?"

"No reason. Just making conversation."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, not really. Certainly not in any way intended to be hostile or..."

"Demeaning."

"I have no interest in demeaning you, Kathryn."

"You called me Karen when I came to the door this morning."

"At 5:52 a.m. I allowed the word Karen to slip from my half-asleep mouth. You are correct. For which I apologized."

"I do remember it, you know."

"Kathryn, are you a collector of slights?"

"What does that mean?"

"I mean, are you in the habit of waiting for people to offend you so that you can build evidence against them?"

"I don't have to answer that."

"I think you just did."

"Is that so?"

"Yep. I think I'll head to bed. Feel free to holler if you need anything."

"So how'd it go with Kathryn?"

"Put it this way - I don't know that I can help you too much with her."

"Oh, no - was she mean to you?"

"Not exactly, but wow - that is one prickly chick."

"Well, it's OK. I'll let you be prickly with me. How about that?"

"Yep. That'll work."

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And very early the next morning...

"Oh, Oscar - I absolutely LOVE being on top. How's this for you?"

"It's fine. But I notice you're chattier this way."

"Is that a turnoff? I can stop talking."

"No, but yes. Hush and just enjoy it. I have to get up soon."

"OK, OK."

Just then, the door flew open and, reflexively, I guess, I reached over and turned on the light on the nightstand...

"Ummm, excuse me, but you are TOO LOUD."

"Sorry, that was me," said Amber

"Hey Kathryn?" That was me.

"Yes?"

"Get the hell out!"

"Oh. Ummm... OK."

"Oh my God! Did you just turn on the bathroom light?" Amber asked her.

"Yes, I did, Amber. You can turn it off anytime."

And then she vanished back down the stairs.

"I can't believe she did that."

"I can. I'm realizing I know your sister pretty well."

"Well, I guess this little slice of paradise is over."

"I'm going to go and deal with this right freaking now," I said.

"Oh, no. Honey, don't throw her out. Please? She's my sister, and something is wrong. She's never acted this weird before. Please don't send her away."

"Fine. I won't. But this bullshit just now? I'm not having it."

"OK, I agree."

Downstairs...

"So that was cute? You enjoyed it?"

"You were too loud. It was inconsiderate."

"Inconsiderate? So you barge in and interrupt it and you think that makes you the good guy?"

"I don't know. It worked, so..."

"It worked? The only reason I'm not throwing your ass out of here is Amber begged me not to. But she's humiliated by what you just did."

"Maybe she should be."

"Maybe you should listen up right now. Because I was very happy to have you here so you and your sister could reconnect, and I think it would be terrific if you and I could be friends. But I can't even get a toehold with you, and increasingly I'd just as soon forget the whole project."

"Does this mean you don't want to use me for sex like you do my sister?"

"Get the f... OK, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. But understand this: I'm a busy man. I'm my own boss. I'm about my purpose and making a dent in the world. That means I don't have time for bullshit that complicates my life. And all I see from you is bullshit. You're disrupting a pretty good thing we have going here, and it's childish and stupid. So as they say in the Navy, shape up or ship out. I've had it with you."

And back up the stairs I went.

"Please tell me you didn't throw her out."

"I didn't, but I came awfully close. I don't know what's wrong with your sister, but we don't do crazy around here."

"No, I get it. Let me go talk to her."

"I don't think you should. I think you should give her the silent treatment. Push back against her bullshit and then she'll realize it isn't getting her anywhere."

"Maybe you're right. This way I get to finish reading Road To Serfdom!"

"Can't think of a better after-sex activity. OK, you know I've got to work on this big project all day, right? Can you handle being abandoned on a Saturday?"

"Sure. I'm a big girl. I might come check on you and give you a kiss in a while."

"Acceptable."

"OK, go to work. I'll keep my nutcase sister in check somehow."

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There's an air duct in the kitchen wall downstairs directly below my office, and as I was working on a big project I needed to have finished by Monday afternoon, I could hear everything that was said when Amber went downstairs and found Kathryn in the kitchen.

"Kathryn, what are you doing?"

"I'm rearranging your kitchen cabinets. They're a mess."

"Oh. That's so nice! Aren't you sweet?"

"If you're going to be his maid, these are the kinds of projects you ought to be working on."

"You're probably right about that. Thanks for bailing me out."

"You're welcome, Amber."

There was a pause, then...

"Are you OK with that? Being his maid, I mean."

"I think I'm more than that, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I saw."

"Why does that piss you off so much?"

"Because you're selling yourself short, Amber Grace. You could be somebody. Instead you're just his."

"What's wrong with Oscar?"

"Nothing. He seems like a good guy. But why are you satisfied with being a kept girl in his house?"

"Kathryn, I love my life. I've never been so happy. This is all I could have hoped for."

"Is it?"

"Of course it is. We're factory girls, Katie. What do you think our lot in life is?"

"Well, I've got a career. What do you have?"

"I have somebody who likes me. Maybe loves me. Who takes care of me and makes me laugh. I have a nice place to live, pretty much anything I want or need all I've got to do is ask for it, I'm never bored, he takes me places, I love our dog..."

"Yeah, I like that dog too."

"I'm happy, Katie. Can you say that?"

"But it's temporary. What happens when he finds a real woman? She'll throw you out, you know."

"Honey, WE'RE temporary. We don't last. Our hands and feet fall apart, our joints come loose, we get torn up and eventually we just don't have any life left. I just want to enjoy every minute that I'm here. And what happens, happens. And you don't have a career, Sis. You have a job. Are you making any money?"

"Not yet. But I'll move up."

"Yeah, good luck with that," said Amber.

"You don't understand how important it is to have a career, Amber Grace."

"Yeah, I can tell. In fact, I'll bet I know why you chopped your hair off and you dress like a lesbian."

"It's not what you think."

"Yes it is. You look like that because if you go in there looking like anything worth having, you'll be heels up on somebody's desk. Which is why they're sending you in to see those people in the first place."

"That's not..."

"You can lie to yourself, honey, but not to me. And here you are trying to protect me from Oscar when he's protecting me from the world!"

"So you really are happy with him?"

"Of course I am. I love him! He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Present company excluded, and all."

"All right then. I'll stop being a bitch to him. But if he starts treating you like anything but the doll you are, you let me know."

"Yeah, you'll bite his head off. I know."

"He bit mine off pretty good this morning. He doesn't mess around."

"No, he doesn't. That's why I like him."

"Did he buy you all that stuff in your closet?"

"Uh huh. And I'm a pretty good shopper, too!"

"I noticed. Do you think I can borrow something here and there?"

"Sis, my closet is your closet. In fact, I insist on it. I won't have you looking like a Women's Studies professor when you're hanging around here. It's too depressing."

"Can we go look around now?"

"No. Oscar's in the office working. I don't want to disturb him. But when he's done, yeah. We're giving you a makeover!"

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As I was wrapping up work on the project I'd been slaving over for a while, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," I said, expecting to see Amber and some offering of affection. But I got something else instead...

"Oh, hey, Kathryn. Something I can help you with?"

"I come in peace, just so you'll know..."

"Well, that's good to know."

"Look, I want to say something. I've been a real bitch to you and I'm sorry. The way Amber had described her relationship with you when she was first coming here, I got the wrong impression. And I carried it through to this visit. But you aren't the enemy and I'm going to stop acting like you are. And I promise I won't barge in on you like that again. Or at least I'll knock first."

"Fair enough. And I promise I'll be nicer to you, too. By the way, Katie, I had no idea you had such gorgeous legs. Wow!"

"Thanks. Amber said you're a sweet guy. You're proving it!"

"Well, it's a big load off my back to know we'll be friends from now on. But I have a feeling this isn't the only reason you're here."

"Not completely. But how are you doing on your project?"

"I'll be done in a little while, actually. Might be able to salvage something of a weekend after all."

"Great to hear it. Amber and I are in the other room. She insisted on going through my suitcase and looking at my stuff. She hates my wardrobe."

"Yeah, I know."

"You hate it, too, don't you?"

"I'm a guy. Chicks don't dress to impress guys. They dress to impress other chicks. But I'm pretty much with Amber. You do look like an FBI agent or a women's basketball coach."

"She said I look like a Women's Studies professor."

"She's funny. But she isn't a liar."

"Anyway, if you don't mind I'm going to pick through her closet and see if there are any work clothes I can borrow, but I don't want to bother you."

"Nah. Go right ahead."

"OK, hey - what about this?"

"Meh. But you're going to want Amber's input on that. And I'll bet she's going to make you try it on before she gives you an opinion."

"Wow, you know her pretty well!"

"It's impossible not to get to know Amber well with that big personality she has, you know."

"Tell me about it! OK, I'll get out of your hair. I just need this, and this, and I should probably grab these shoes, and..."

She did get out of my hair a few seconds later.

And it did seem that the two of them managed to get along for the rest of the day.

But I was left wondering what on earth I'd done to myself, because the entire point of having a Factory Girl rather than a real woman was that I'd have some peace and control in my life and this was neither.

I tried not to let that bother me, but the Katie Pie - sorry, Kathryn - experiment was on shaky ground.