Season 2, Episode 15: Yuletide

"You weren't kidding," I said. "That's the biggest latte I've ever seen."

"A girl's gotta have her coffee," said Rachel. "Just like a boy's gotta have his pancakes."

"Fair enough, though you have to keep these secret, because if Amber finds out I'm eating these she'll kill me. She's already made me promise to go full keto after the holidays. I'm too fat, apparently."

"No, you're not."

"You're too kind. I am a whale right now."

She smiled and sipped her coffee.

"OK, questions," I said.

"Yeah. Fire away."

"First—what are you doing in Baton Rouge? And this is going to sound weird, but your resume had three names. I thought 'married,' but no ring?"

"You're perceptive. I'm separated. Husband took a transfer to Kansas City, we sold the house and split up. The dog died, we had no kids. It's like we never existed. So I moved here; my best friend from college had a spare room, so why not start over in a fresh place?"

"Got it," I said. "But I've got to say, you're probably overqualified for this job. I'm looking for a business development manager, but really this is just a sales gig with some customer service stuff to it. And it's an eat-what-you-kill thing. Gonna be some cold-calling."

"That doesn't bother me. I built that book of business at iHeart in Houston completely cold."

"Yeah. How come you're not just going to work for them here?"

"Because I'm done with radio. And honestly, I'm done with anything like a corporate setting. I like the freedom of a startup. It's kind of... how I got started, and I'm a little addicted to the high-stress, high-leverage piece. Love the challenge, hate the structure."

"So you're a... unicorn. That's what you are."

She laughed.

"Maybe so," she said.

"Well, look," I said. "There's like 10 clients I can throw your way who are up and running. They're sort of the base book of business beyond the big three I've brought in over the last few months. VS Industrial, Senoritas and Stafford Oil are where my real money and attention is and that's why I'm hiring somebody. What I can offer you is those 10, and a 30 percent commission on our side of the revenue..."

"You mean after we pay the subcontractors."

"Right. Exactly. And from those 10, 30 percent would get you about a $20,000 salary or thereabouts. Which is peanuts, I get it, but I think there's a pretty good increase you can squeeze out of those guys."

"Wait, hang on. Before those three new accounts you landed, you were only doing… sixty-seven thousand? The whole company?"

"Believe me," I said. "It had been worse than that. I was bumping along with a dozen or so restaurants I was consulting for and then COVID hit and the next thing I knew I had three little accounts. Twenty-four hundred a month total, and they're all like 'we can't really afford you.' It was ugly."

"I don't know how you survived it."

"Bled my savings, that's how. This year has been an exercise in trying to stand back up. Which, honestly, has been pretty successful. I got hooked up with Keegan, who's the best IT guy anywhere, and he's easy to sell. And Lester is the best auditor you can get outside of corporate America. Plus the other four - two are engineers, one's a graphic designer, one does copywriting for everything from technical manuals to websites. It's cobbled together, but it's starting to work and I think I can grow it if I can get the right help."

"And you can add subcontractors?"

"Of course. What we do is sell their services, plus we can offer management consulting. And Keegan built an all-in-one business app that's honestly better than anything on the market. The clients absolutely love it."

"Oscar, I love this opportunity. Seriously."

"Good. You're hired."

"You sure? You don't have other interviews to do?"

"You're the fifth interview. It isn't a close call."

"I get it. Finding good people is tough."

"Well, yeah, but that's why people like hiring consultants, so we can't complain."

She smiled, and then she held her hand up for a high-five. And I obliged.

Rachel definitely didn't look like a guy. But dealing with her certainly gave me that vibe. And she'd been awfully cagey about the import-export business out of Virginia she'd worked for right out of college. I had it in my head that it was a front for... something. Intel community, maybe?

Probably my imagination. And that had been years ago. Not my concern.

I didn't tell her about Amber. It wasn't her business. But I did wonder how that would go - Amber was going to be working with her, after all.

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"Yay! You're home. Good day?"

"Yeah, not bad. I hired us a business development rep. She's totally overqualified and if she doesn't get bored or somebody doesn't poach her away immediately, I think she's going to do really well."

"Oh, really? Which one was this?"

"Rachel. The one I said was with the CIA."

"Was she with the CIA?"

"Probably not. Hell if I know."

"Well, good."

"I see your work uniform made it home."

"OK, stop. I don't want to talk about it. I'm washing it here because things smell funky coming out of Stella's washing machine. ANYWAY, I have some news!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes! Our Christmas party is ON."

"I take this to mean you found a venue."

"Indeed I did! Georgia decided she and Bryce are gonna open the restaurant for us, and she's giving us a special rate on the facility and the catering, so now you can't say no to a party."

"I was gonna say that you look like you won something. I guess I know what it was. How much?"

She told me. I almost passed out.

"Oh, cut it out. We can afford it. And you can write it off! Besides, you could actually use a writeoff."

She wasn't wrong. I was beginning to get a little flush, and springing for that party, especially if it generated some business for 2023, which was going to start in just a couple of weeks, was not a bad investment.

"Fine," I said. "What do I have to do?"

"Nothing! Georgia and I will take care of the whole thing. Bryce will do the food, I'll handle the decorations and the music, I'll send out the invites... you should invite Erica personally."

"I should?"

"Yes, honey. And we need her to come. Like, we NEED her to come."

"Why is that?"

"Because she hasn't agreed to take me on as her personal assistant yet and I'm nervous that she won't."

"I didn't know you wanted that."

"Well, I mean, I had to think about it because certain people didn't let me know it was going to be offered to her, but the more I did think about it, the more I realized what an awesome opportunity it is."

"Is that so? This almost sounds like an admission I know what I'm doing."

"Yes, Oscar. It's a great chance for me to find a great mentor. She's graceful and elegant and very nice, and she has immaculate taste. I want to learn all those things and I will if I'm helping her all day."

"Mmmmhm."

"But there's another reason, and I bet you didn't even think about it."

"Oh? Is that so?"

"If I'm Erica's mini-me, and you and Erica get serious, then I don't have to go away."

"Ahhhh. Now I get it."

"It's a big deal. One of us has to think about that!"

I nodded passively and let her finish getting dressed in non slave-girl clothes, silently praying for the days of Amber's lease with Stella to hurry up and pass.

The party was set for a Wednesday - December 21st. I watched Amber work her little silicone ass off - making handmade decorations, slaving away at a four-hour music playlist full of old Christmas favorites and a whole host of stuff nobody had ever really heard before but probably should have. She was almost maniacal, spending every waking minute working on that party.

And when the RSVP's starting coming back, I realized she was creating a monster. Between Keegan, Lester, Stan and the other subcontractors, Michael and Stephanie, Ashley and Ted, Drew and Mary Ellen, his girlfriend, Stella, Millie, Paula, Katie, and some clients and my golf buddies we were more than 50 people.

Which meant this thing was going to be a success.

Except...

I called Erica and invited her.

"When's this, again?" she said.

"The 21st. It's a week from Wednesday."

"Oh, no."

"What?"

"I'm going to a dinner thing that night."

"Oh, hell. What dinner thing?"

"I'll just tell you and you're going to be furious with me. It's with Todd."

"Oh," I said.

"I know, you're mad."

"Erica, I'm not. I don't have an exclusive claim on you. But could you maybe... do dinner with him the next night?"

"I can't. He thinks he's going to get invited to join the Acadian Clinic as a partner, and this is a dinner with two of the big doctors there, and..."

"Yeah, fine, whatever."

"Oscar, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. Hey, if your thing lets out early, come by. Georgia and Bryce are opening the restaurant for it, so it's going to be a cool thing."

"Oh, that does sound cool. I loved Bryce's restaurant!"

"They're going to launch it as an event place. This is kind of a dry run. Amber's turning this into her Apprentice moment. She's busting her ass putting it together."

"That's so cute! Well, I wish I could be there. Best of luck to y'all!"

I was crushed. I didn't have the heart to tell Amber Erica wasn't coming.

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Then it was the night of the party, and Amber and Georgia had decked Bergeron's - that was the name of Bryce and Georgia's restaurant - out in an absolutely gorgeous fashion.

Amber was flying around like Tinkerbell, so much so that I had to stop her.

"You've over-engineered this thing," I said. "At this point anything that goes wrong was destined to. Just relax and enjoy it."

"Oscar, come on. I'm enjoying this more than I can possibly explain!"

"Oh, Lord. This isn't stress. It's obsession!"

She just beamed at me and started dancing - Jingle Bell Rock was playing on the house system just then - and I was suddenly terrified that Amber was going to geek out on me and embarrass herself.

So it was a good thing that the first batch of folks to show up were the friendliest customers imaginable - Keegan and Cara, and Stella and Millie.

Who all came together.

And boy, those hugs came fast and furious.

"Hey," I said to Keegan. "Y'all rode in one car?"

"Well," he said, "Stella thought it might be a fun first date thing - and, y'know, let the Factory Girls get to know each other better."

"I... might need a little time to process that one," I said.

"Yeah," was his response. "I'm not really done with it either, but I'll just let it ride for now."

Then came Paula and Katie...

...and Peyton, who'd heard about the party and cajoled her way into an invitation. I'd half regretted saying yes; that regret became very full when I saw the date she brought.

That's Craig. He's a neurosurgeon, and maybe the biggest douchebag in town.

I'd always assumed Craig was gay. Maybe because he dressed like a male model, or maybe because he... well, whatever. Anyway, nobody liked Craig. Peyton knew I sure didn't, but as she's a drug rep and she knows all the docs in town, of course she was going to bring the one I liked the least and in so doing create the maximum amount of drama.

When all I needed to do was find a good excuse not to invite her.

Then came Lester Penning, our forensic auditor subcontractor for the business. He was walking in with Rachel, who was interested in what he was saying, or at least acting like she was.

"Hey!" I said. "Glad y'all could make it!"

Lester shrugged. Rachel, who I think had pre-partied somewhere, gave me a big smile.

"You didn't tell me that your secretary was a Factory Girl."

"Hah! You didn't ask."

"I've never met one."

"Well," I said. "Hey Amber!"

And up she came, so I introduced them. Rachel was very sweet to her, which of course Amber ate up.

And I guess that was a good thing.

The guests started streaming in quickly at that point.

I got to introduce Amber to Michael and his wife Stephanie, but as an experiment I didn't mention Amber was a Factory Girl.

And Stephanie couldn't tell. I confirmed that later when she came up to me after somebody had told her, gobsmacked.

"I know, right?" I said.

"It's crazy. Is this the future?"

I just shrugged. That was a hell of a good question.

It didn't take long before it became glaringly obvious this was a terrific party. Amber had really pulled it off.

But the best entertainment of the night came from the most unlikely source.

Craig, the asshole, basically ditched Peyton so he could hit on...

...Katie.

Which left Peyton at the other end of the bar, where she got leered at by...

...Lester.

I got a chance to be a nice guy when I checked on her a few minutes later. She was outside getting some fresh air.

"You gonna be OK?" I said.

"Yeah, it's fine. I called an Uber."

"It's Craig," I said. "I mean, you can't really be surprised."

"Tomorrow it'll be funny," she said. "I really do appreciate you inviting me."

"Sure! You brought the entertainment!"

She gave me a laugh and then wished me a Merry Christmas. So I went back inside.

Where I was immediately confronted by the hostess.

"You crushed this, you know," I said. "It's a massive success. I see they even made you take your apron off so you could enjoy yourself, so it's..."

"Oscar, where's Erica?"

"I don't know. She isn't here?"

"Umm, no! Please tell me you invited her!"

"Of course I invited her. Either she'll be here, or... she missed a hell of a party."

She sighed.

"It's fine, babe. Seriously. You killed it either way."

She just drifted off, putting a big smile back on her face as she offered to refresh a few guests' drinks.

And Drew introduced me to Hope, his new girlfriend. Who was a smokeshow.

"Make her sign a prenup and marry her like right now," I whispered in his ear.

"That's the plan," he said.

And then, like a miracle, Erica walked in. Alone.

"Hey!" I said. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," she said with a smile.

"Where's, ummm..."

"Todd. I ended it early."

"Oh."

"I like him. But he's not for me."

"Well, how about that."

"This is a heck of a party, Oscar."

"I know, right? Can't take credit for any of it."

"Oh my God! Erica! You're here!" said Amber, who practically knocked me over getting to Erica.

"Hey, Amber. You did all of this?"

She nodded, a big smile on her face.

"Amber really wanted you to come tonight," I said. "You haven't said yes to taking her on as your personal assistant, you know."

"Oh! Well, yeah! Of course it's a yes!"

That lit Amber up like the Christmas tree in the corner, and she gave Erica a big hug.

"Well, isn't this just the cutest thing I ever saw," I said.

They both looked at me and smiled.

Like I said, it was a hell of a party.