Season 2, Episode 9: The Falling Out

"Oh, hey, Peyton. What's going on?"

"Hey! Omigod, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Peyton. Why are you asking me that question in... that way?"

"Well, I mean... oh, no, you haven't heard."

"Heard what?"

"About Erica's new boyfriend! Oh, no. I'm the one telling you about it. I didn't want that to..."

"Oh, I have my doubts about that. What boyfriend?"

"His name's Todd. He's an anesthesiologist at the General."

"Hmmm. OK."

"Uh, oh. You're upset."

"Actually, Peyton, I am. I thought you were her friend."

"Of COURSE I'm her friend," Peyton gasped.

"Then why are you gossiping about her? That's anything but friendly. How'd you find out about it?"

"Well, because I saw them at The Pearl on Thursday. They were definitely on a date."

"And how many people have you told?"

She just shrugged, which I knew meant "everyone."

"Badly done, Peyton," I said. "Seriously. That's a lousy thing to do. She just buried her husband. Don't you think you could give her a break?"

"I mean, that's just it. She just buried him! And she's already building a stable of men, so..."

"OK, that's plenty. My meeting's here. I'll catch up with you later."

"Yeah, all right. See you soon!"

And she gave me one of those little soulless corporate hugs she does, and then I greeted the HR consultant I was considering a cross-hiring arrangement with.

But I thought about the encounter with Peyton most of the rest of the afternoon. And yes, I was angry at Peyton for her blabby tattling on Erica; I had visions in my head of Sophie and Anna handing down catty judgments of the brand-new widow taking up with all the eligible men. It struck me that they'd almost certainly include me in their indictments of her, seeing as though Peyton knew I'd been at the house with the family the night of the funeral.

I decided to call Erica.

"You're mad at me," she said when she answered. "But I can explain."

"I'm not mad at you," I said.

"Well, I just talked to Peyton and she says you are."

"I'm mad at Peyton, because she's a gossipy bitch who needs to shut up. Why would I be mad at you?"

"For dating Todd."

"Seriously?"

"Look, I'm sorry. OK, Oscar? How about this? I'll make you dinner tonight. Come over at 6:30. Bring wine!"

Erica was a Baptist. I didn't think she drank wine.

I had a bunch of work to do, and going to Erica's for dinner would probably put me behind, so I spent the next couple of hours racing to get as much work done as I could.

Then I could hear Amber and Katie coming home. It didn't sound like they were fighting, which was a nice little gift. A few minutes later, my robot girlfriend poked her head into the office to say hi.

"It looks like you have two uniforms," I said. "There's your French maid work uniform and your straight-to-bed uniform."

"Yeah, well, I don't apologize for it. Today was just ridiculous. We were supposed to be done by like 1:30, and instead we just got finished. Stella has no clue how to keep a schedule. It's a disorganized mess over there."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I told Paula that she needs to tell Stella to let me be her office manager. I could straighten her stuff out so easily. But Paula won't hear of it. Hey, what do you want for dinner? I need a rest for a while, but then I can..."

"Amber, darling, you get to relax for the rest of the night. Erica invited me over for dinner. I imagine I'll be late getting back."

"Wow. That's a development. Are you excited?"

"I don't know. The Peyton gossip grapevine says she's dating some younger guy who's a doctor at the hospital. So who knows what I'm walking into."

She gave me a sympathetic look.

"OK, well, if that's the plan I'm just gonna get in bed and catch up on Stranger Things. I'm really jealous of you that you got to grow up in the Eighties."

I laughed. She smiled sweetly at me and then she was gone.

And a little while later, I headed off to the liquor store for a couple of bottles of wine and then to Erica's.

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"I hope you're hungry. I made Beef Wellington, and there's a lot of it."

"I imagine that's going to be amazing. Hell, it smells amazing. But Erica, you didn't need to go to all that trouble."

"I know it's a little... much. But I wanted to do something nice."

As I stepped into the foyer, the house smelled like butter, garlic, and something rich and expensive.

Erica looked like something rich and expensive.

That dress of hers hugged her in all the right ways. It was very clear she saw me as more than just an old friend coming over to catch up. This was a date, and a serious one.

She led me to the dining room. The table was set for two - candles, good china - and she asked me if I'd set the wine out to breathe.

"Of course," I said. "I do have to confess that I'm confused. Are you a wine drinker now?"

"I'm... learning."

"Oh, I see. This is part of the Erica Reinvention we're undergoing?"

That wasn't intended as a shot. She took it as one, which was clear from the look she gave me.

"I didn't mean..." I started to say.

"It's fine. I didn't tell you about Todd, and I should have. In fact, it wasn't fair to you that we didn't do this first."

"What do you mean, first? I'm not following."

"Oscar, do you know how strange it is to be going on a date after 30 years? I didn't know what to do. I ran into Todd at the grocery store and he asked me out. I should have said no, but I had no idea what to do."

"Why would you say no? Do you like him?"

"No! I mean, I don't know. He's attractive and he's successful, and he was a gentleman, even though I was a disaster."

"Oh, I doubt that."

"I was a disaster. It was really awkward. That's why I should have done this with you before going out with anybody else."

"That's sweet, Erica."

She smiled at me and told me to sit down. And then she brought out a feast that was nothing short of decadent.

Dinner was amazing. As a cook Erica is world-class.

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And a few hours later, I crashed on the bed next to Amber.

"I kind of expected you'd stay the night over there," she said.

"Nah. That was not going to happen tonight."

"The way you say that it sounds like it didn't go well."

"If I'm being honest, it definitely didn't."

"Oh no! What happened?"

"I mean, it started out well. She's a ridiculously good cook, and..."

"Wait - what did she make?"

"Beef Wellington, with roasted asparagus and, like, black truffle mashed potatoes."

"Oh my God. OK, you were saying?"

"She's really sweet, but she kept apologizing for having gone on a date with this guy..."

"Right, you told me. Erica the Virgin Bride is now dating. Right? And she's all freaked out about it."

"Yes, Amber. She was Jim's virgin bride, and she and I never went all the way when we were dating. It's awesome that you reminded me of that."

"OK, sorry! So go on."

"Anyway, I found out about it because Peyton saw them and told everybody, and so I called Erica and she invited me over, and her whole thing was that I should have been the first guy she went on a date with after Jim, y'know..."

"I dunno. That seems kinda weird."

"I thought it was kind of sweet, actually. But I'm telling her, Erica, I don't have any claim on you. You can date another guy if you want and it's fine."

"Well, of course she can."

"Not according to her, though. This thing between us is getting stranger and stranger. How can I explain this like you'd understand it? OK, how about this - I'm like a default setting for her, and now that Jim is gone she's resetting to the default."

"But that's not..."

"Exactly. I'm not her default. I'm not the guy I was when she was 19 years old, and she certainly isn't that girl anymore. If she and I were going to be a thing, it's going to be on totally different terms than it was in 1991 when we dated. And I'm trying to tell her this and it's just going right over her head."

"Is she, like, crazy or something?"

"No. She's definitely not crazy. But what I would say is she's absolutely not ready to be dating anybody. She's still processing grief, and it almost seems like most of it hasn't even hit her."

"Hmm. Don't like that."

"Me neither. And when I started trying to slow her down..."

"What do you mean, slow her down?"

"Amber, she invited me to go with her to Destin this weekend because they're going to induce labor for Ann Marie and she'll have the baby. I was like, no, I can't do that, I've met your daughter exactly one time. It's totally inappropriate for me to be there."

"I mean, you could say yes. I'd be OK if you went."

"I appreciate that, Amber. But the point is she's trying to slide me into Jim's place because she can't have him there. I'm a backup. And I was trying to tell her that we need to go a lot slower, but she took that as rejection."

"Uh oh. That's too bad, though. I don't think you were wrong there."

"I don't know if I was or not, but I feel like it's a big mistake to just be at her beck and call. I have a life of my own, y'know."

"But she doesn't know that. Is that it?"

"Well, the way she was talking, I'm the one who needs saving. Like, I'm this project she needs to take on now that Jim is gone. I dunno, maybe that isn't what she's doing, hopefully I'm wrong about that but it really came off that way. Like she needs to show me family life and convert me to it, and what I said was that her family is terrific but I don't know if it's at all right that I impose myself on it.

"And she told me that they've already all said they want me to."

"Oscar, they don't even know you."

"I know Michael a little, but right. They don't."

"So what happened? Did y'all kiss, or fool around? Did you have any fun?"

"There was more crying than laughing, put it that way."

"Yikes. What crying?"

"Well, I told you that she and I broke up because her mom sat me down and told me that I wasn't good enough for Erica. Remember?"

"Yep. Her mom married the wrong man and she had to struggle all her life to give Erica things, and she was going to insist that Erica not make that mistake. Right?"

"That's it. And I was headed for some mediocre job and an OK living, and Erica needed more, so if I couldn't show her something special she wasn't going to allow the relationship to go further."

"You said she told you love isn't enough, right?"

"And after that, everything went to hell. I was under the impression that Erica and her mom had both decided that. Pretty much everything Erica said and did confirmed it, and it was a matter of time before she broke up with me."

"Why did all that come back up?"

"Because she asked me why our relationship went wrong, and I said it was inevitable after my dressing-down by Ellen. And she was like, what dressing down?"

"Wait, she didn't know her mom had done that to you?"

"I assumed she did. She says she didn't know anything about it. She said she broke up with me because she wanted me to be more inspired and I was just going through the motions, and when I told her that I was trying to process what her mom had said, she just busted out crying."

"Oh, come on."

"Then she's like, 'oh, your whole life played out because of what my mom did to you and I didn't know,' and I shut her down. I told her I've dated other women, I've done good stuff in my life. Honestly, I really sort of resented the suggestion that Ellen broke me. I'm not broken. I wish things had worked out differently, but I'm not a charity case for crying out loud."

"Well, how did you end it?"

"I said I'm a different person than when we dated. She said yeah, I'm much more bitter than I was. And I was like, 'Well, with that I'll say goodnight.'"

"Oh, I can't believe she said that. That's just wrong."

"She apologized immediately. I didn't leave it ugly with her or anything, but it was just really disappointing. And I feel like I've struck out with her twice and that was the best hope I'm ever gonna have at finding The One."

"No, no. I won't let you do that."

"It's fine. After all, I've got you!"

"Oscar, look. I will give you everything I've got. I love you so much it fries my circuits. But it's a crime you aren't somebody's husband and I want you to fix that. It scares me because I don't know where it would put me if you found someone, but I'd gladly sacrifice myself to give you that."

"Damn, Amber."

"OK, that's enough emotional stuff. I want cuddling."

And she reached across me and turned out the light, so I gave her what she wanted.

--------------------------

The next morning, Amber was perkier than she'd been in a while.

"Do you want me to fix you breakfast? I can. I've got like a half-hour before I need to go to work."

"You're not going to get in the shower?"

"Nah. I'm good. I'm not really dirty, and besides, what's the point of getting all cleaned up to go be a maid scrubbing toilets at Dan Cole's house?"

"Oh, is that what you're going to do today?"

"I really don't know. But part of it is I'm trying not to attract attention on the job today."

"Why is that?"

"Cole is... overfriendly."

"I'll kill him."

"Hahaha! You're hilarious. I mean, he's not exactly... forward, but he's creepy. And he wants to talk to us all the time. Like, motivational advice and some other weird stuff."

"I guess he pays for your time, so if he's not actually harming you..."

"Right. Exactly. It's no big deal. But I do kind of want to get in and get out, y'know?"

"Well, let me know if it gets too weird for you."

"It's not. I'm good. But baby, Les Servantes is a zoo. Part of me loves working there because there's never a dull moment!"

I laughed, and then my phone rang. It was an urgent business thing, and I had to run to the office. Katie was already in there doing stuff on my desktop.

"Hey," she said. "I'm finishing up the Bertrand Industries report for you. I know it's something you needed today."

"Katie, you haven't been working on that all night, have you?"

"Oh, no. I just decided to get up early and finish it so you'd have it when you got started."

"Well, it turns out that we have some changes, so let me take you through those."

And I did, finding out to my pleasant surprise that Katie had actually anticipated some of the revisions we needed to make.

"You're really doing a hell of a job moonlighting," I said.

"Thank you," she beamed. "It's nice to get some appreciation."

"Oh? You're not appreciated in your day job?"

"It's... whatever."

"I thought you were the one who liked being a French maid. Now Amber is telling me it's never a dull moment at Les Servantes and you aren't happy?"

"No, no. I'm fine. It's just... I promised Amber I wouldn't tell you, so..."

"Hah! You just broke that promise. Out with it. What's the problem?"

"Paula. She's not a great boss."

"The recognized expert on French Maidery isn't a great boss of French Maids?"

"You think it's funny, but she plays favorites. And Amber is her little princess."

"Oooh, somebody's jealous."

"Yes. OK? I am. Paula lets her get away with murder. She gets a break so she can charge her battery every afternoon, Paula does this thing where she kisses her on both cheeks like they do in France, it's ridiculous."

"And Amber doesn't want me to know about it? What, it's not innocent?"

"Oscar, come on. I don't know."

Just then, Amber came in.

"Paula just pulled up," she said. "Time to go."

I followed them outside and asked Paula if she wouldn't mind meeting me after they were done for the day at The Wanderer, which was the local watering hole. She said sure, and suggested we meet there at six.

So I did. When I got to the bar, she was already there.

"Bonsoir!" she said.

"Hey. Wow, I was just thinking we'd get to know each other since you're spending every day with my girls, but this is..."

"Oh, it's no big deal. A girl likes to show off once in a while, n'est-ce pas?"

"Paula, so you'll know, my French didn't get past high school. You'll outstrip me in no time flat."

"All right, fair enough," she giggled. "So I'm assuming this is, what? An interrogation?"

"I would hope not. How about this? Let's just trade stories for a bit."

She liked that, I guess. Either that or she couldn't wait to tell me all about herself.

I mean ALL about herself.

Paula did a year abroad in college, and that year was in France. For some reason, she decided to get a job as an au pair for some French politician and his family, and she lived in Paris in a big house. Then after she graduated she went back, and through the politician she met Ilya Korunov, the Russian oligarch.

Korunov, or more specifically his wife, then hired her to serve as their live-in housemaid - first, under an old woman who Paula said trained her. Then, after the old woman retired Paula was Nadia's personal maid.

"I lived the maid experience," she said. "Six years I wouldn't trade for anything!"

"That's really cool," I said, lying. "So how'd you end up back home?"

"Well, the Korunovs were... intense. Eventually we agreed they needed someone younger and more pliable. So we found a beautiful young Basque girl and I spent six months training her, and then I came home."

Paula said she moved to New York and did the art scene there, and with her background as a French maid she met a bunch of rich eccentrics, and it led to her doing a lot of fetish stuff and performance art.

"Does that shock you?" she asked.

"Look," I said, "I'm not gonna judge it. It's really none of my business. It sounds like you've had a hell of a ride so far. All I've got is one request."

"Name it."

"This... whatever it is that you have going with Amber? I don't even know the extent of it."

"She is un tres belle jolie," she said.

"OK, whatever. Here's the thing. Amber is mine. You want to fool around and get flirty or whatever with one of your Factory Girl workers like Stella does with Millie, then take Katie. I think she wants you to."

"Oh. I hadn't thought of that."

"My compliments. Listen, I have a huge day tomorrow, so I hate to cut this short, but..."

"That's fine," she said, already making eyes at the sleazy-looking dude who'd been gawking at her from the bar. She barely even noticed when I flagged down the bartender and paid the tab as I headed out.