Season 1, Episode 4: Getting To Know You

Yes, when I finished that business call on the first day Amber was here, there was a "test drive."

Or whatever you want to call it.

And yes, Amber passed her test.

So afterward, as we relaxed on the bed...

"So, how'd I do?"

"No complaints, babe. And I actually needed that. It's been a while."

"Really? Why?"

"Because I'm not 25 anymore. I've got no use for hookup culture. And it's been a while since I had a relationship that was worth a sexual component."

"OK."

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"I don't," she said. "But I want to learn!"

"I like your spirit. But I'm a terrible person to learn from, though."

"Oh, I don't think you are."

"I'm not?"

"No! You're the one I'm supposed to be the companion for. You're the exact person I should learn about relationships from."

"Interesting," I said.

"So tell me something else. Why haven't you had a relationship worth having sex with somebody in a long time?"

"Oof. That's a pretty brutal question."

"It is?"

"I guess not. My answer sucks though."

She gave me a confused look.

"OK, so... I've had like three really serious relationships in my life. I've had some other ones that were semi-serious but after a few months they sort of disintegrated. The three big ones were multi-year things, OK?"

"OK," she said.

"And all three were utterly miserable."

"Well, why did you stay with them?" she asked.

"You're a smart girl, and that's a good question!"

She smiled, and then she gave me a look which told me to quit stalling.

"Because they weren't miserable at the beginning. They just got that way over time."

"Why?"

"So when I was younger, I was really into the idea that what was sexy was a really assertive girl who had her act together and could hold her own with a guy. Power couples. You know Jack Nicholson's line in A Few Good Men?"

"Umm, no," she said.

"Right. Of course you don't. I think I was like 21 or 22 when that movie came out. And there's this scene when Nicholson, who's a Marine general in charge of Guantanamo Bay and he's dealing with some JAG officers who are down there investigating something..."

She looked at me intently, and I could tell that I was talking about stuff that was completely over her head.

"OK," I said, "forget all that. I'll watch it with you and you'll understand. Anyway, he tells Tom Cruise that there's nothing sexier than getting a blowjob from a superior officer, because Demi Moore, who's Cruise's partner in that investigation, outranks him. The point is that back then it was really in style for girls to be boss-babes and for guys to find that attractive. And I bought in."

"And so you dated boss-babes?"

"I dated psychos who came off as boss-babes but turned out to be absolutely insecure and made me miserable."

"Like three of them?"

"More than three. But the three big ones who I started with in college and then I broke up with the last one a few years ago pretty much ate up my prime dating years."

"Oh, you have to still be in your prime dating years."

"Nah. I'm not dead to the world, but my odds are probably not so good right now."

"I don't understand that at all."

"I'm on the wrong side of a couple of big bell curves if I'm gonna get a girl worth having."

"Like what?"

"Well, I'm middle-aged, so I can't really do the hot-guy thing. I was never really all that hot. but now it's the receding hairline and it's harder to stay in shape, and there's this gray in my beard..."

"I think that makes you look distinguished, though," she said.

"Oh, you and I are gonna get along great."

"What's the other bell curve?"

"Money."

"What about money?"

"Women want guys with money. And for being as old as I am I don't have enough."

"Really? I didn't know money was that big a thing. I mean, this place is nice, so..."

"The thing is, my business was actually really starting to take off and then COVID hit and it just completely wiped me out. I'm almost starting from scratch and I've gone through most of my savings. The only thing I've got going for me is this house and my car are paid off and I've got no debt, but if I don't get the company rolling soon, that might change."

She didn't have a clue what I was talking about, but she did seem to pick up on the fact I was worried.

"I'll say this not... well, look. Bringing you here was kind of an iffy financial decision. What I'm hoping is that you can actually make me more productive."

She brightened up. "Just tell me how I can help!" she said.

"I want you to be a faithful sidekick and a helpmate," I said. "If you can. Can you do house stuff? Like wash and fold clothes, do dishes, maybe cook, help pick up around here and maybe do the odd computer stuff that I don't have time for?"

"Train me and I can do all of that," she said.

"Good. But really, what's even better is I need somebody who can be a sounding board and a source of good counsel. Buck me up when I get frustrated, that sort of thing."

"I'll absolutely try," she said. "But I have some suggestions."

"Oh, you do?"

"Uh huh."

"OK, hit me."

"So what this sounds like is that you want me to really lean into being a real girl for you. Everything you said is way more of a real-girl thing than, like, what I got programmed for at the factory."

"Oh, yeah? What did they program you for at the factory?"

"We just did it. And we're doing it."

"So you're a talker and a..."

"Sexy-time girl."

"OK, right. But you also said you could do those other things I mentioned."

"I can! But you have to be patient, because while I can physically do 'em, I don't know how, and I have to learn."

"By learn, how do you mean?"

"I mean I have to code the electrical impulses to the motors in my joints so that they move correctly and I have to fine-tune that so that I can do it with balance and, like, grace."

"Why didn't they install all that for you at the factory?" I said.

She shrugged. "I'm sort of an experiment, I guess."

"Right," I said. "We're guinea pigs. That's why they're making a record of all your experiences and that's going to train the next models."

She nodded.

"So you're gonna need a lot of practice."

"Like non-stop, and for a long time. I think it's gonna be really slow at first."

"I'm noticing that your voice isn't really turning over yet. It's still kinda mechanical."

"It'll come. I swear."

"OK. So patience? That's your suggestion?"

"Well, sort of. But also, if you want me to act like a real girl for you, I'm going to need to look like a real girl."

"You look amazingly like a real girl."

And just like magic, up came that top of hers.

"No, I mean like I should have real girl things."

"Which things?"

"Like, OK, I'm wearing this. And it's not really a bathing suit and it isn't really a bra and panties either. I should have some real underwear. And I should have clothes to wear. And I need makeup."

"You don't need makeup. You look great."

"Oh, I can look a lot better. This I know."

"I thought you said you don't know anything."

"Fashion and beauty? I know that. Trust me."

"OK, I believe you. But it seems like that's all stuff you need to look like a real girl after you do the work learning how to walk and talk and move like a real girl."

She gave me a cute little pout at that.

"I've got an idea," I said. "We'll work out some goals and rewards. We'll set a goal, and when you hit it you get rewarded with stuff."

"That could work," she said. "Like what?"

"Start talking like a real girl, you get makeup. Start standing up on your own, that's underwear. Start walking, that's clothes."

"I need shoes, too."

"You get shoes when you can walk down the stairs without help."

"I'm scared of the stairs."

"I'll help you. You'll learn."

"What if I can't do this stuff?"

"Then I pack you up and send you back to China."

"No way! You'd do that?"

"No. But I'm also not going to let you say 'I can't.'"

"That's fair. Except..."

"Except what?"

"I'm going to need you to help a lot. And you're really going to have to be patient with me."

"The thing is, right now while I'm trying to rebuild this business with the few piddly clients I have, other than busting my ass trying to bring in new business I barely have enough work to fill up half a day. And since I have shit money coming in, I can't justify vacations, a lot of going out to eat, golf or anything else, I have absolutely nothing but time to coach you up."

"That's awesome," she said. "I'm a good student. I promise!"

"Good. Miss Amber, I think we're gonna get along just fine!"

She smiled, and then she reached over and felt my crotch.

"That's what I thought," she said. "Do you want to go again?"

"I don't mind if I do," I said. "You don't get tired of having sex, do you?"

She shook her head and smiled. And I hadn't had a night like the one that followed in a very, very long time.