Season 3, Episode 20: La Hacienda

It struck me that there was a not-zero chance this would be the last day of my life. I figured that I should spend a little of it in a church.

It was about nine in the morning, and I'd decided that I wanted to... make my peace with God, or ask for help, or something. They say there are no atheists in foxholes, and considering what I had planned for that day, this was close to that.

And not far from the hotel was the famous San Fernando Cathedral, so I could actually do a tourist thing while I was praying to God for a little more time on Earth. The San Fernando Cathedral is the oldest cathedral in Texas, built in 1731, right in the heart of downtown San Antonio. It's where Jim Bowie got married. Santa Anna raised the flag of no quarter from its bell tower before the Battle of the Alamo.

And they did confessions there starting at 9 every morning. So...

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A lot, probably."

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

"So long that this is probably pointless if I'm being honest, Father. Years and years. But I'm... doing something pretty dangerous today. I think it's gonna be all right but I'm not sure. And it's possible that as a result of what I'm doing, a very unrighteous man could suffer a great deal at the hands of even worse men. I know that's a little too cryptic to be honest, but I don't really know how else I should say it."

"Hmmm," said the priest. "So you're looking for absolution for a sin you're planning on committing?"

"Well, not so much. What I'm going to do, if it goes as planned, will actually produce more good than harm. But there's, well, potential side effects."

He didn't have anything to say to that.

"I'm just trying to say that I'm here because it's possible this might be a last chance. I dunno - is this what people do? Get scared and come to you?"

"You'd be surprised. So what's troubling you?"

"I'm looking at my life the last few days," I said, "and I have lots of regrets. I've never gotten married, I haven't really kept up with my faith, I've tried not to break too many of the commandments but my record's not perfect. We'd be here all day if I tried to catalog all the sins. I imagine you get that a lot."

"Yes," he said. "What's at the top of your mind?"

"Let me ask you this," I said. "Is it a sin to have an... AI companion robot?"

"You have one?"

"A year ago I completely lost faith in dating, and so I bought a Factory Girl from China. I don't imagine the Church looks very kindly on that."

"No," he said, "though as to AI the Church has yet to determine a full position."

"Well, the thing is that Amber - her name is Amber - is as much a housekeeper and a personal assistant as anything else. And my relationship with her has a rule that if I'm dating someone, we go fully platonic."

"Marriage is actually the preferred state," he said. "You do realize that."

"I'm tryin', Father. But I just got out of a relationship with somebody I've loved for 30 years and we just aren't going to be able to make things work. Anyway, something Amber told me a while ago has stuck in my head. She said she was in a store and an old lady went up to her and called her a demon. It bothered her; she said all she wants is to make people happy, so how can she be a demon? And ever since she told me that I've kicked it around in my head."

"It isn't unknown that demons can occupy inanimate things," said the priest.

"Are you an exorcist?" I asked him. "Are you speaking from, like, first-hand experience?"

"We have one in the diocese," he said. "I've assisted."

"Would I know if I was harboring a demon? I'm trying to figure out if I'm sending myself straight to hell by having Amber."

"This is... new territory," he said. "But if you want absolution for the physical relationships you have, you do realize you have to repent of those ways."

"Well, I hate to lie in a confessional," I said. "I don't know where that leaves us. I'm asking for God's mercy without really holding up my end."

"I will give you credit for considering your own frailties," he said.

In the end, he let me off with a fairly light sentence. He wanted me to pray the rosary six times. It so happened they sold rosaries at the cathedral. And I dropped six hundred bucks in the collections box. It was the least I could do.

I resolved to do a hell of a lot better the next time I did confession. If I got that chance.