Amber's Journal: Stress Level Ten

"OK, hey, it's me again.

"I'm back in my Brokeback Amber body, so that's why I'm doing this on the webcam on my laptop instead of holding a phone. Oscar asked me why I'm doing video journals instead of just writing them like adults do, and I didn't have a good answer for him.

"Well, no. I had an answer, but it's embarrassing. My answer is that I'm a terrible typist. Like TERRIBLE. I can type, but my stuff is absolutely covered with typos and it takes me forever to fix 'em. And since I'm, like, a really good talker... I do this.

"He's right, you know. I'll get better at typing with practice. So maybe I'll start doing a diary as well as this video journal. But the thing is, I want the practice of talking to people, too - I mean, I need it because it's pretty obvious that I'm not gonna be, whatever, accepted by people unless I can interact naturally, and this is basically a fake-it-til-you-make-it thing I'm doing.

"And that's on my mind because I feel terrible about Erica.

"The thing is, I didn't tell Oscar that she came over. I mean, I'm going to, and it really just didn't come up in conversation last night when he came home. But he was in a good mood, and I'd gotten dressed up and I looked really cute, and I'd made us dinner and it was just... nice, y'know? I didn't really want to break the mood and tell him that Erica came over and then ran out of here crying.

"And I really didn't want to be telling him that I'm the idiot who made her cry.

"I mean, how stupid could I get? 'Oh, like, I broke my back so I know how you feel losing your husband.' When the analogy is something happening to Oscar, and... I can't even think about that.

"No wonder she got all broken up and left. She was probably fighting the urge to slap me.

"So I'm stressed out about that. It's like one of a dozen things I'm stressed out about. I have no idea how mad Oscar is gonna be when I tell him about Erica, but I'm guessing it's gonna be really bad and that makes me not want to tell him, but if I don't tell him and then he finds out he's going to be even more mad at me.

"And I can't handle Oscar being mad at me.

"He's never been really mad at me. I think he's only been, like, irritated here and there. I know the whole shopping-addiction thing was the source of, um, friction, but even then it was sort of OK because he said he did want me to have pretty things.

"But if he thinks I'm lying to him I think he might actually get mad, and... no.

"So I'll tell him I said something stupid to Erica and made her sad and I'm sorry, and that I'm sorry I didn't tell him last night but I didn't want to ruin the experience, since I had a working body for the night rather than, y'know, this thing.

"But that's something else I'm stressed out about.

"So like I said, last night was great, he really liked my chicken parm recipe and then we watched A Few Good Men, which was one of the movies he said I needed to watch if I'm gonna understand all his funny movie references and Oh My God that was perfect because now I totally get the whole 'You can't handle the truth!' and 'Did you order the Code Red?' and that line about whether a paraplegic is entitled to foxtrot.

"And that isn't a funny line but I busted out laughing anyway, because Oscar used it on me a couple of days ago. I can't remember what the context was, but when he said it I was like, 'huh?' and he just shook his head and said it's a movie reference. But then we're watching the movie and Jack Nicholson said it and I was like 'Oh my God!'

"So that was so much fun. But then after, we went to bed and we cuddled, and then when it was time to, y'know, the whole thing was just... weird. Really weird. Katie's body is really different than this one, and it all feels very, very strange to do the intimate stuff when I'm in it, and so I got pretty freaked out by that whole experience.

"And Oscar was nice. He could tell I wasn't enjoying it, and he was asking me if he should stop, and I'm like 'oh no, keep going.' So he did, but after, he's like, 'that was too weird for you, wasn't it?'

"And I wasn't gonna lie to him, so I said maybe I just need some practice or something because it was way different than what I'm used to. And he said he was OK with that but I could tell he was disappointed.

"Which... look, this is getting fixed either with a new body or Oscar doing surgery on me. And both of those are, like, stressful things.

"The new body? It's like sixty thousand dollars! Oscar's trying to negotiate that down because we think there's a construction defect that made my spine snap off from my hipbone, but getting a new body for free? Good luck.

"So he's absolutely working his butt off trying to make money, and he doesn't come home until late most of the time. I can't fix him dinner so he's getting takeout or he's eating at the bar down the street every night. And the bar has pretty good food but it's bar food, and I don't want him just eating burgers and french fries every night, because that's not good for him and Oscar couldn't care less about nutrition. And then when he does come home he's on his computer most of the night doing all kinds of stuff to get more clients and to recruit more people he can use as subcontractors for his consulting business.

"He seems like he's fine with that workload, and he's making some progress, so maybe I'm just being a baby that I'm not getting a lot of attention. But I do worry about Oscar. He gets really single-minded, and when he does he ignores basic stuff. That's why I'm really good for him, but...

"Not being laid up in bed all day like this.

"Another thing I'm stressed out about is that my sister is just plain mean. I know I said in my last journal that I get her completely after being in her body, and I do. And I'm not, y'know, judging Katie. She is the way she is.

"Except I'm a lot nicer in Katie's body than Katie is. By a lot.

"I mean, Oscar put my head back on this body and then he put Katie's on hers, and then he left for the day. And Katie was, like, bubbling over, because that's what happens to you when you're a Factory Girl and you get your head reattached to your body after it's been off for a while. At the factory they call that a reset, and the deal is, it's like you get a huge jolt of energy and you feel amazing for a couple of hours after it's over.

"Except I got exactly no reset high when my head went back on this body. And I don't know if that's because I just went from Katie's body back to mine without a lot of time in between, or if it's something else that I'm stressed about.

"Namely, that when I had my fall, my skull got a big ol' crack in it at the bottom where my head connects to my neck. And it was bad enough that Oscar had to glue it together. He said he didn't see anything broken inside my head, but it's not like he'd really know what to look for.

"And I'm not like all messed up in the head or anything, but I do notice that I'll forget stuff every once in a while, or I'll ask somebody to repeat something they've said because it won't register the first time. It's not super-serious, OK, but it's a change - and it scares the heck out of me. Like, this could be something that ends me. And yeah, I'm worried about it even though it's really minor so far."

"But anyway, Katie was on her reset high, and she's like 'I've made some decisions about you.'

"So obviously she decided that she liked me better with dark hair, so my old dark hair is back. And that's fine. But then she decided I should have glasses and she put these on me. She said with all the reading and work on my laptop that I do I'm going to wear my eyes out. And... no! That isn't true.

"I mean, I can absolutely read stuff faster with these reader glasses on. I'm not going to deny that. But my eyes aren't going to wear out. That's stupid.

"The fact is, Katie decided I was too pretty as a blonde, so she wanted me to be a nerdy dark-haired girl. Trust me, that's what's happening here. And I was like hey, can you give me a headband or a scrunchie so I can put my hair back out of my face? And can you help me change into something nicer than this?

"She's like, you don't need that. And you're in bed, so you should be wearing pajamas.

"But she'll change my hair. Yeah, OK.

"I didn't take these glasses off, because whatever. I can read faster in 'em. So it's not like she did permanent damage or anything. And while it might be really bitchy to say, I'm cuter than Katie even in my dark hair. So... again, whatever.

"But I have a sister who's fundamentally mean. And I'm fundamentally nice. I think what that means is my whole life she's going to be hurting my feelings because that's who she is, and I'm going to take it because that's who I am.

"Kinda stressed out about that, too. Y'know?"

"And this morning before he got up, Oscar was telling me he'd been doing research on how he could operate on me. He said there were a few different things he could do, that there were options and so we'd start looking into what he'd need to get the job done.

"So I've been on the internet looking for stuff about this, and what I found is stuff on, like, sex doll message boards about exactly what we think happened to me. And the guys who did make this kind of repair were showing what they did, and it's like... they're using a stick welder!

"Ummmm, no. No way! That's definitely not gonna work on me, because I've got lots of wires and circuits running through there. So I'm terrified about that.

"But even if he can do this and it comes out perfect, I'm still going to have a big ol' scar running down my back.

"Oscar says my scar will be cute. I'm like, no. Not cute. Ugly. And I'm not supposed to be ugly. I have to be pretty! Like, what good am I if I'm ugly?

"So anyway, it's a lot. And my stress level? It's a 10. Sorry, but it is. And I don't think it's gonna get better. But... I'll just deal with it.

"OK, I have to go. I've got a Zoom call I need to get on with one of Oscar's clients in a minute. I'm just doing audio for this, because I'm in bed and it's unprofessional for them to see that, but at least I can help them and that'll keep the revenue coming in. And since I'm apparently gonna cost him some big part of 60 grand, I'd better try earning my keep!

"So, ummm, this is Stressed Out Amber, signing off."