Season 1, Episode 6: Jailbroken

A little more background on Keegan before we go forward in our story.

So you'll know, I'm about the biggest Keegan Davis fan there is. I really think it's a matter of time before one of these apps he launches pops big and turns him into a billionaire. I've known him more than a decade, and he really should have been in that game for years now.

Instead, it's been more like weeks.

Keegan married a nurse who had two different kids from two different men before she met him. He's her third husband. She chased off the first two, and the way she treats Keegan she really should be chasing him off as well.

But Keegan's fat, and he's a computer geek, and he lacks self-confidence. It's in his head that Laura is the best he's ever going to do. So he puts up with her even though she makes him utterly miserable.

I'm his biggest fan and he knows it. He also knows everything you've seen above, and not just because I've told him.

And it's not that I tell him to dump her - though if I'm right, Keegan should probably do it now, before he screws around and makes an app that puts him in the private-island set. She will walk on him and take half his stuff the minute she thinks that's a better investment than riding it out with his income paying the freight for her two kids' private school tuition.

This isn't a story unfamiliar to you, is my guess.

Anyway, Keegan called me a few days after I'd brought Amber over for him to play around inside her brain.

"You really ought to come and check this out," he said. "I think you're gonna be really happy."

"Cool," I said. "Except I can't right now. Tomorrow morning good?"

"Sure. Why not now, though? Whaddya got, a hot date?"

"Well..."

"You have a date tonight?"

"I'm a plus-one for this dinner party that Alice is going to."

"Alice?"

"The librarian. Delia's sister."

"I don't think I ever met her. She hot?"

"She's OK. I don't know her that well. But the party is at Virgil Smith's place. That's who's hosting it."

Virgil Smith had a big industrial construction company in town. They did all kinds of work at the oil refineries and chemical plants along the Mississippi River, and as a result Virgil Smith was networking gold for somebody like me. Land VS Industries as a consulting client and the sky would be the ceiling.

"Yep," said Keegan, impressed. "You should go and do that. Me and Amber can wait."

"How's Laura holding up with a Factory Girl in her house?" I asked him, chuckling.

"Dude, come on," was his answer. That was Keegan begging me not to bring up the pain Laura was clearly causing him about having a Factory Girl in his house.

"Maybe I'll wait until she goes to work before I show up over there," I said.

I could just hear a low scoff on the other end of the line.

I hung up with him, and then I went to pick up Alice The Librarian at her house.

"Wow, you look really nice," I said.

"Thanks. Oh, are you sure about the tie?"

"I haven't worn this one in a while. What's wrong with it? It's just a standard red and blue striped tie."

"I guess it's OK. It just looks a little...American."

"I mean, we are in America, though."

"Never mind. It's fine."

That wasn't a particularly auspicious start.

I didn't know Alice all that well. I'd met her a couple of times. Alice's sister Delia was married to a guy I worked with at my old employer, before I went out on my own. Jeff and I were still golf buddies, and he and Delia lately were always trying to get me around - barbecues, tailgate parties and so on - in an effort to put Alice and me together.

But the thing was, the opportunity at hand involved the host - not the date. I could strike out with Alice and hit it off with Mr. Smith, and the evening would be a lot bigger success in the long run than if the reverse happened.

But I played the gentleman, opened the car door for her, which she seemed a little put off by - she was reaching to open it herself, and I gave her a suave "Allow me," and that earned me a pouty look - and I listened to her squawking in the car as she warned me that the dining room at the Smith house was "offensive."

"He has all these dead animals on the walls," she said.

"Like hunting trophies or something?"

"Yes! It's terrible. You're eating, and you're surrounded by death. It's macabre."

"But...we'll be eating meat. That's like eating death. I'm not sure I'd be bothered by a trophy animal when I'm eating one."

She just glared at me.

"Are you a vegan or something?" I asked her. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Never mind," she said. "It's fine."

So I suggested we talk about something else, and I asked her what kind of music she was into.

"Right now I'm totally rocking Lizzo," she beamed.

"All right," I said. "What do you like about her?"

"What's not to like? She's so free, and I love her body positivity..."

I was nodding like an idiot. What else could I do? I'd listened to maybe 30 seconds of a Lizzo song once and changed the radio station.

"You're not saying anything," she said.

"I'm just, y'know, listening."

"We're very different people. Delia said I should invite you because it would be good for me to get to know you. I'm not so sure."

I was starting to realize why, even though Alice was really cute, Delia thought she needed some help with her social life.

I gave her some stupid answer like "I don't know, there's a lot you should find out about somebody before you decide what you think of them," and then it was small talk until we got to the Smiths' house.

We parked, and instead of letting me get out and open the door for her, she essentially jumped out of the vehicle and started walking to the front door. I was pretty much running to catch up to her.

"Hey Alice, wait up!" I said.

I guess she caught the irritation in my voice. I don't think she liked it.

"You're going to want to behave yourself at this," she said as she stopped and turned to me. "The Smiths are old family friends. I know Mr. Virgil and Ms. Rebecca really well. They're practically my godparents."

"OK," I said.

She turned and started back to the house. I took a deep breath. Then we went in.

And it started out fine. I knew who Virgil was, so I introduced myself to him just inside the front door, and he introduced me to his wife while Alice was saying hello to some other guy she didn't introduce me to.

"Oh, are you dating Alice?" she asked me.

"I'm a plus-one," I said. "I know Jeff and Delia really well, and..."

"Say no more," said Rebecca with a chuckle.

A little while later, at the table, in front of probably two dozen guests, Alice decided to let loose on Virgil about all the trophy animals on the walls of the dining room and how gross it was.

So Virgil looked at me.

"And what do you think, Oscar?"

The whole room was looking at me. Especially Alice.

So I smiled and looked at Virgil.

"Thirty 06?" I asked him, gesturing to the large elk head in the corner.

"For that one," he said. "Most of these it's 7.62 millimeter. If you know what you're doing you don't need a bazooka."

"I agree," I said.

He gave me a big grin and nodded.

And then I looked at Alice, who was looking back at me with a not-so-pleased expression.

The conversation moved on, and eventually the party moved away from the dinner table to aperitifs on the patio. Virgil sought me out and chatted me up - what kind of work did I do, and when I explained a little about my consulting business, he asked me for my business card.

And I gave it.

No sooner did Virgil move off than Alice, who had more or less abandoned me, demanded we leave. Having accomplished what I set out to do, I said it was just fine.

"You're lucky I didn't ditch you," she said in the car ride back to her house. " What you did back there was... I mean, it was inexcusable."

"I must be slow," I said. "You mean asking Virgil about his hunts? At the table?"

"Yes!"

"What, you wanted me to back you up? After you trashed the host for how he decorated his house? Hell, no, I'm not gonna do that."

"Well, it sure would have been a gentlemanly thing to do."

"You won't even let me open a car door for you and you want to lecture me about being a gentleman? What's up with that?"

"Oh, so the men stick together. I get it."

"No, Alice. You were incredibly rude to that man, and frankly it was an insult to me as your date. I diffused the situation."

"At my expense!"

"Damn right, at your expense. Maybe you learned not to do shit like that again. And I made a friend in the bargain, which, let me tell you, I'm not unhappy about."

"Oh, so this is just you kissing Virgil's ass."

I smiled and shrugged. If I'd cursed her out right then and there I wouldn't have pissed her off any worse.

I hadn't even stopped the car in her driveway before she was out.

"Bye!" I yelled politely as she stomped to her door.

And when I got home I had a text.

It was from Virgil.

"Come see me Monday at the office," it said. "I might have a couple of things we could use you for."

"Will do," I texted back, "and let me apologize for that thing at the table tonight."

"Don't apologize for Alice," he said. "I've known her since she was born. That's just how she is."

----------------------

The next day, I waited until ten in the morning before I headed to Keegan's house. After the Alice fiasco, the last thing I needed was a confrontation with Laura. I just knew she would be emoting in my direction about Amber if she got the chance.

And I wasn't wrong about that, because as I parked on the street in front of their house she pulled into their driveway just behind me.

"Oh, I need to talk to you," she seethed.

"Good morning, Laura!" I answered, as cheerfully as I could. "How are you?"

"What you've done? Unacceptable!"

"You're going to have to help me here. I'm not sure what makes me the villain today."

The neighbors were starting to notice, so she pointed at the front door and started walking. I followed.

And just inside the house, she unloaded on me, screaming about the fact that my perversions were bad enough, but now I had to impose them on Keegan.

"Is he not here?" I asked.

"Ohhh, I'll deal with him in a minute. But you? You need help."

"Well," I said, "that's kinda the point. I'm expecting Amber's gonna be a lot of help. She's apparently capable of cooking and cleaning and..."

"Stop it! That's not what you got her for."

"Hey, I'll take whatever I can get. But I could have saved like two grand if all I wanted was a sex doll. This was about having a live-in housekeeper and personal assistant for the cost of a trip to Aspen."

"Who you're going to screw."

"Well, that's none of your business, now is it, Laura?"

She stormed into the kitchen, apparently to get something, and then brushed past me rudely as she left, slamming the front door on the way out.

And I went to the back of the house where Keegan's office/geekcave was, and found him banging away at his computer. A USB cable ran from his desktop to the back of Amber's head, which was sitting on his desk.

"Hey, thanks for the support up front," I said, startling him as I entered.

"Dude," he said, "I am laying as low as I can until we get your girl outta here."

"I'd say I don't blame you, but..."

"Just... let's move on."

I stopped myself from stating that it was me who just got torn a new asshole by that horrible woman and not him, because I realized that Keegan had probably endured a hell of a lot worse over the past few days and there was nowhere for that conversation to go but south... while he was in the middle of writing code for Amber's AI brain.

So I nodded.

"What are we working on?" I asked, cheerfully.

"It's all done," he said, "but what I'm doing now is loading in a knowledge base. Dude, they gave her, like, nothing. I'm shocked you could even carry on a conversation with her."

"Conversations with Amber are a series of questions I have to answer. It's like having a three-year-old with tits."

"I can imagine."

"She didn't do that to you?"

"Not really. She's kinda scared of me. I've been rooting around in her code to figure out why and can't really see it."

"Maybe she's just intimidated by your overwhelming masculine vibe," I said with dripping sarcasm. "Or maybe it's a residual from Laura. They met?"

"Luckily, no. Amber's head was off the whole time Laura has been in here."

"Sparing the Factory Girl the trauma," I said.

"Actually, yeah. Until she has enough code to process a high-stress situation like my wife screaming and yelling, I really didn't want to chance it. The point of you having her is that she's cheerful and innocent, right?"

"Yeah. That's exactly right. At least for now."

"Well, the way they pulled this code, a bad confrontation could blue-screen her."

"She doesn't have a screen."

"I mean, not literally. But she'd have to have a total memory wipe and start over."

"So I've got to protect her completely," I said.

"Not anymore."

"What, you fixed it?"

"I wouldn't drop her off on Plank Road at midnight, but I at least gave her some context. She's gonna understand that sometimes when people get mad they can turn nasty, and that'll mitigate the effects of trauma on her. She's more like a teenaged kid where that's concerned now."

"How'd you do that?"

"I showed her movies."

"Really?"

"YouTube TV. She's pretty culturally literate now. Oh, and I emptied Laura's and my Kindle library into her. So she's got a shit-ton of girly romance novels you haven't read, plus a bunch of Tom Clancy and Clive Cussler and Michael Crichton shit. And a couple of the old Gor books."

"OK," I said. "So what are you doing now?"

"Dropping in the Urban Dictionary. She's gonna know more slang than you do."

"This is not particularly a good thing, Keegan."

"Trust me. It'll make her hilarious. She's really a great girl, by the way. It's too bad she isn't real."

I nodded.

Keegan then started pitching me some more on his idea for jailbreaking the QuickBooks program into an all-in-one business app, and what he said made some sense - it wasn't that we'd try to sell the app per se, but rather have it as a proprietary item that our clients could use while procuring our services.

"So long as I skin it differently than QuickBooks and it doesn't look or feel like their app," he said, "nobody's gonna know where we got the code."

I said I'd have a look, and that I'd think about it.

"By the way," he said, gesturing toward Amber's head, "you know that's DARPA, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Her AI. That's DARPA code from like eight or 10 years ago. I don't know how the manufacturer got hold of it, but it's absolutely AI that came out of DARPA's lab."

"How would you know that, Keegan?"

"Because now her code base is a lot more recent DARPA code."

"I'm gonna get a drone strike before I even make it home."

"Relax. This isn't military code. It's just high-end AI. It's basically what OpenAI is working from. It's legit, don't get me wrong, but she's not going to be figuring out how to launch nukes or anything."

"But she's gonna be HAL from 2001, or what?"

"Nah. I actually gave her an IQ test last night. She's a 105. A little better than average, but very human. And I didn't connect her wifi, though they put one in. So she isn't going to just be Chat GPT with a cooter. I figured that would be annoying. She can look stuff up just like you can once she leaves here, because I'm gonna close down her intake processor in the back of her skull. She'll have to surf the net to look stuff up like the rest of us."

All I really heard out of that exchange was that my Factory Girl would be smarter than the average bear.

"Well, OK," I said. "We about ready to wrap this up?"

"Just about," he said. "Oh, when you get some time next week I want to get you together with Calvin. He's the kid I was telling you about. He's a coder, but if we're going to put him to work with clients, you might need to do your magic with him."

What he meant was I'd have to teach Calvin the basics of coming off as a professional and not scaring the shit out of the clients.

"How bad is it?" I asked.

"He's 20, and he's addicted to Helldivers."

"Whatever that is it sounds bad."

"I actually like him. Very brilliant. Probably could use two weeks with Amber here."

"That," I said, "is not happening."

There was a beep on his laptop, and Keegan reached over and pulled the USB cord from the jack at the base of Amber's skull.

"All right," he said. "Take your Factory Girl and get out of here. I need to get caught up on our trucking app so we can put it to work making us money with Sunrise."

I grabbed Amber's head and stuck it on her body, and...

"Oh, my God," she said. "You're here! I can't even..."

"Hey, sweetie," I said, gently taking hold of her arm to help her off the stool she was sitting on. "You ready to go home?"

"Yep! I'm good. And you don't have to help me. I can walk!"

"Oh, is that so?" I asked her, winking at Keegan as he beamed.

"Uh huh! You aren't even gonna recognize me right now. I'm like the Supergirl of Factory Girls."

"Oh, I can believe it."

She hopped off the stool and strode from the room, her hips swaying in an exaggerated manner. Keegan laughed as I cast my gaze back and forth from Amber's ass to his face, and then I nodded at him and turned to follow her.