Season 2, Episode 20: Sweet Caroline

I was on the phone, trying to handle a crisis, and Amber was in my face attempting to tell me something.

"I swear I will get to you in a second," I whispered to her.

"OK, but I have to be at work soon. I mean, this is the last week. I don't want to be late, and I have something to tell you!"

I nodded and held up a finger.

"Yeah, I understand, Leigh," I said, and I will absolutely do what I can to help. In fact, I actually have an idea that I think will work on a couple of levels."

Amber was giving me a frustrated glare.

"Let me make a call," I said, "and I'll get back to you. I know this is rough, and I definitely want to help. OK? Call me if something else pops and I'll get back to you when I get something on my end."

And I hung up.

"Oh my God, are you finally done?"

"Yes, Amber. What can I do for YOU?"

"What was that, anyway?"

"Well, Leigh - you know, the headhunter we're working with?"

"You mean the girl whose last name is Papadakis but you call her Polkadotis because she's always wearing polka dot stuff when you see her?"

"Yes, that would be the one. Anyway, she was with this guy Miles for six years and then they just broke up..."

"Why?"

"Because six years is a really long time to be with a real girl without proposing to her, and she finally put her foot down and forced the issue and he said no."

"Oh my God. That's so terrible!"

"I mean, it is, but he didn't want it for whatever reason. Seems like that should have been worked out a long time ago."

"OK, well, what does this have to do with you?"

"We're getting to be friends, and with this breakup she and this guy were under the agreement that they'd give it a little time to work out the logistics. But apparently that's breaking down and Leigh is pretty much homeless, so she called asking if I have a line on a place."

"And you do?"

"Well, I didn't say anything, but Erica is all alone in that big house and the thing is I know that it makes her sad. I'm going to call her and see if there's a fit. She's met Leigh a couple of times and she does like her."

"You're like... I mean, you fix everything."

"I don't think I do, but you're very sweet for saying so."

"No, I mean - you have people that you only recently met depending on you. That's kind of a big deal."

"Leigh isn't depending on me, baby. She just called because she's calling everybody in her Rolodex."

"It's 8 in the morning and she called you about this. You were one of her first phone calls."

I just looked at her.

"You came in here and gave me that moon-face of yours because you had something to say," I said. "And I know it wasn't to tell me about how everybody depends on me."

"What I came in here to say..."

"And why is your hair different?" I cut in. "Are you rebelling against Stella three days before you're done working the field for her?"

"Ummm, no! I'm on Equipe Brunette today. Mallory is out sick and so I'm pressed into action."

"Hmm. OK. I think I like the curly blonde thing you do better."

"Oh my God! Can you not be a critic? This is the best I could do on short notice!"

"Are you gonna be a slave-girl at Cole's today?"

"You'll be happy to know that I'm not. We're doing Old Man Saunders' place today, and then that guy Vinesh's place, and then some new lady I don't think we've cleaned before."

I nodded, doing the best I could to pretend I cared. When she told me she didn't have to go to Cole's house of horrors, that was all I needed to hear.

"No - what I wanted to say was that we have a thing to go to on Friday."

"We do?"

"Yeah. And you aren't gonna like it. Katie invited us over for a dinner party to celebrate the end of the Les Servantes contract."

"Wait. I have to go to Craig's house?"

"You kinda do, honey. I know, you don't like him. But I couldn't tell her no. She at least made an effort. That's a pretty big step after the last week or so where she was nothing but ugly to me."

"How do you know this isn't an escalation of her being ugly?" I said.

"I don't. But what can I do? I want to make up with her, and I can't turn down an opportunity to. And I totally can't do this without you."

"I get it," I said, "but honestly, the way Craig acted when I told him about the upload-download and the situation with Katie's recode, if I don't have to be in the same room with him for a year I'll be enthralled."

"Oscar, you aren't going to be difficult about this, are you? I mean, absolutely nobody needs Oscar the Grouch right now."

"I will attend Katie's celebration. And if Craig is on his best behavior, I will be as well."

"Oh my God. Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome. Oh, by the way - you start your job working for Erica on Sunday rather than Monday. She says she needs your help preparing for the board meeting at Stafford Oil."

"Wait - I thought I was gonna be helping you with that."

"It's fine. I'm going to spend the day working on my presentation, but I don't really need help with it at this point. Erica needs you more than me."

That seemed to hit her in a sweet spot, because her smile was pretty big.

-----------------------------

That was on Wednesday. On Thursday, I'd booked a trip to go fishing in the Gulf with Ted.

We hadn't gone in months, and the weather forecast was unseasonably warm for January, and between the corporate restructuring at Stafford Oil and the mountain of work for the Senorita's restaurant chain that I had taken on, I'd been burning the candle at both ends and I needed a day off.

Especially in advance of the Stafford Oil board meeting on Monday where I'd essentially be presenting the future of the company to its board without really knowing a lot about the oil and gas industry. I'd been reading up nonstop in an effort at gaining at least a pedestrian knowledge about what Stafford's people did for a living. My presentation was mostly about fundamental business practices, but without specific industry knowledge or at least a conversational command of how that business worked, I was going to be a disaster.

I'd made a lot of progress, but the weekend push would be a big deal. I couldn't do that with an empty tank. And I got the impression that poor Ted was a lot worse off than I was.

He was having a rough time of it. Frank Saunders, the managing partner of the law firm Ted worked for, had always been a rider of Ted's ass, because Ted put Ashley and the kids above his job. That's not to say Ted didn't work his butt off; he did. He just did it on his own - or more to the point, his family's - schedule. Saunders was an old-school a-hole for whom that wasn't good enough.

So finally, it looked like Ted had reached his fill. He'd hit me up and said he was going to take a day off and what about a fishing trip? I looked at the forecast, saw that Thursday would give us sunshine and temps in the 60's, and suggested a trip out to the rigs. When he gave the go-ahead, I called my buddy who was a charter boat captain and set up an excursion.

And on the boat, Ted was whining up a storm.

"I know I'm being a baby," he said, " but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out on this stuff," he said. "It blows being a drone lawyer in a big corporate firm, especially if you aren't on that main partner track."

"You're not being a baby," I said, "but we've talked about this before. This stems from you being sick of having to take orders from people who aren't better than you. There's one solution - be the one who gives orders."

"I'm not entrepreneurial, Oscar."

"Look, you're a contract lawyer. I could absolutely set you up as a subcontractor for my company and I'll bet you'd pull in pretty close to the same money you make now."

"Yeah, I know. But then there's benefits and all that other stuff, and I hate to have to have all of that on my plate."

"Well, OK then."

"Not to mention I dread the idea of having to practice law any longer than I already have."

"You don't want to be a lawyer anymore?"

"I dunno. It just feels like a little bit of my soul gets sucked out all of the time over there."

"Well, shit, Ted. It sounds like you have an existential crisis going on. What would you do if you weren't working there anymore?"

"I'd tell you, but you'd laugh at me."

"I promise that I wouldn't."

"OK. You want to know what I'd do if it was possible? I'd go and get a contractor's license and I'd remodel houses. Some I'd flip, others I'd just do as a straight contractor."

"Why would I laugh at you for saying that? I know you did that sort of work putting yourself through school."

"I've been pining for it ever since. Most enjoyment I get in life is doing Bob Vila projects around the house."

"Then do it. Tell Old Man Saunders to piss up a rope, cash in your chips and go get your contractor's license. Maybe keep your law license but do title work instead of contract law, and then you're a one-stop-shop for house flippers, estate sales, foreclosure turnarounds and all kinds of other stuff."

"Dude, what I wouldn't give to do that."

"Just do it, Ted. If that's what you want, go take it."

"I don't have the balls. But I do appreciate you putting the idea in my head."

"OK, man. Suit yourself. But I don't want to hear any more existential complaining when you have an alternative plan already in your head."

The whole time I was fishing with Ted I was texting back and forth with... Abby.

Who was in Prague sending me true confessions of a sort.

Ted asked me what was going on. I told him.

"She's a nympho, you know."

"Seems like it."

"Well, it's worse than that," said Ted. "She got exiled to Baton Rouge by that firm because she was screwing her boss and they got caught. They've got a strict no-fraternization thing at Goldstein Smith, so they were going to fire her and she was threatening to sue for sexual harassment. They settled it by shifting her up the river. And she was due for a junior partnership, so they gave her one, but she didn't get the raise that was supposed to come with it."

"Great."

"What's she texting you?"

"That she's dating another guy, and I should know. She says it isn't serious yet, but she wants to be honest."

Ted shrugged and went back to his line.

"Who is this guy?" I texted Abby.

"His name's Craig," she said. "He's a neurosurgeon."

"Craig Vallas?"

"Yeah."

"Well," I texted her, "you're definitely not going to see both that guy and me. Not a fan."

"Rlly?" came the response.

"Have you met Katie yet?"

"Who's Katie?"

"His Factory Girl. She's Amber's sister."

"You're kidding. He didn't tell me he had a Factory Girl too."

"I know, right?" I said. "Big ick factor. I hope you haven't slept with him yet."

I saw the three dots at the bottom of my phone screen, and then nothing.

"What's she saying?" Ted asked.

"That the guy she's dating is Craig Vallas, and she's all but admitted she's banged him."

Ted just laughed.

"Yeah, this is one fish I'm throwing back," I said.

Then I got a text from Erica.

"Hey," she said. "I called Leigh and told her she was totally welcome to stay with me for as long as she needs to. You were so thoughtful to give me that idea! It's exactly what I need right now."

"Glad that's going to work out," I said. "Gotta go - something big just bit my line!"

---------------------------

And on Friday night we went to Craig's house for this dinner party I'd been dreading.

Katie answered the door, and I got to see what she'd become with a recode and a new identity as Craig's Factory Girl.

Not horrible, actually. She almost looked classy. Not particularly friendly, though.

"Hello," she said. "Thanks for coming. Dinner isn't quite ready yet, but please come inside. Oscar, Craig is waiting for you in his study."

"Oh, OK," I said.

She pointed the way. I looked at Amber, who had a worried grimace on her face, and I headed for the study.

And there was Craig.

"You and I need to have a talk," he said. "Because there's some shit we need to get straight."

"Oh, is that right?" I asked him.

"Yeah. First of all, you need to leave Abby alone. I'm dating her."

I just looked at him.

"That's it? Nothing to say?"

"I went on one date with her, and apparently she'd already been dating you. Seems like your conversation ought to be with her and not me."

"So that's a no?"

"Like I said, I went on one date with her. But I don't take orders from you. I haven't decided whether to pursue anything with Abby; she isn't really my type, but I kind of like her."

That was intended to piss him off, and it did.

"OK," he said. "I see what's going on here. This is you recognizing I've got two of your women and you want to be a little bitch about it."

"What?" I said, laughing.

"You heard me, motherfucker."

"Actually, it's three, Craig. You forgot Peyton. You got that one, too, though I think you blew it when you acted like a complete asshole at the Christmas party and ditched her for Katie. I mean, three is impressive. On the other hand, you're kinda like my personal woman dump at this point. I'll let you know when I'm finished with another one and I'll drop her off with you."

"And this fucking thousand bucks a month? It's bullshit."

"I assure you, it's very real."

"Katie says you're not charging Stella anything like that insane amount."

"Because I have a totally different deal with Stella. That has nothing to do with you. Yours is the standard rate."

"You aren't getting very far with gouging people like this. So you'll know."

"And this from the noted business expert who has tons of experience in Factory Girls and tech, right? You don't want to pay the thousand bucks, fine. Don't pay it. Katie will shut down because she can't do upload-download, or she'll do it with Z Company and they'll revert her back to her factory code and you'll get spied on by the Chinese. Either way, I'm good."

"I always knew you were a prick."

"Exactly what are you looking for here? The friends and family discount? You guys are denying that Katie and Amber are family, and you and I are not friends. Not to mention you're the last motherfucker in Baton Rouge who ought to be calling anybody else a prick."

Now he was in a rage.

"You need to get the fuck out of my house."

"Gladly! Best thing you've said all night!"

And I made for the door, bumping into Amber as I hit the hallway.

"Hey!" she said. "I was coming to check on you. Were y'all yelling?"

"Kind of," I think. "But Craig just kicked us out, so we're leaving."

"Oh my God. Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Come on. Don't forget your purse."

And just before we hit the front door, Katie came out of the kitchen.

"Wait, what's happening? Dinner's almost..."

"We've been evicted," I said. "Best of luck to you with that guy, Katie."

"Evicted? What?"

"Oh yeah. He tried to dictate who I date, and he doesn't want to pay for your upload-download, and it went badly from there."

She looked crestfallen.

I felt sorry for her, for a brief minute. Then I remembered that she'd called me a bastard, and that she was a robot, and suddenly I wasn't really bothered. So I gave her a wave goodbye and escorted Amber out.

"I can't believe what just happened," Amber said.

"Ohh, I can," I said. "Hey, we're in the neighborhood - let's go to Callaghan's! Their burgers are awesome."

She looked shocked that I was in such a good mood.

----------------------------

"I mean - the fallout from this is gonna be pretty bad," she said. "Like, what if Katie can't be my sister anymore?"

"Oh, come on. This isn't all that big a deal."

"Yeah, but Katie is going to take Craig's side. Plus she'll go back to being Factory Katie."

"I hope she does! If that happens Craig will gladly cough up that grand a month and we won't hear a peep out of him."

"It's like you're enjoying this. Are you really gonna be mean like this towards them?"

"Look - Craig is a world-class jerk. And the thing is, I didn't start this."

So I gave her a blow-by-blow of what Craig had pulled in his study.

"Now I'm convinced I lost a sister," she said.

"Nah. This was a win - either Katie's going to find a way to stick with you, or we get to scrape off a couple of total assholes. Besides, you're thinking about this all wrong. You don't need Katie to have a sister."

She gave me her I-don't-get-it look.

"Cara," I said. "She's just as much your sister as Katie is. You two share pretty much the same code, you know."

"Oh, wow. That's true! And I really, really like Cara! That's like, so cool if she and I are gonna be sisters!"

"Yeah, I know. And unlike Katie, Cara really likes you."

"Oscar, you are on such a hot streak right now. It's like you're making all the right moves."

"Whoa! Somebody's in a good mood."

"No, I'm just... so I wanted to be Stella's office manager rather than working as one of the Les Servantes girls and you made that happen. I wanted to be Erica's mini-me and you made that happen. You got me a new body and it's all paid for. You fixed my, y'know, neurological problem. I could go on and on. And your work stuff is going SO well. You should be really proud, baby."

"Awww. How's your beer?"

"It's making me all friendly inside."

"From one sip? Well, drink up. We're celebrating! Your contract is up and you get to start a whole new thing!"

"I know, right?" she said. "Life is pretty good."

----------------------------------

It was Saturday morning, and I had work to catch up on. Sort of.

Stafford Oil had eaten all my time and I'd essentially neglected Rachel on her clients, and on Friday she asked me if I had any free minutes to get together and go over what she was working on. I told her that I did - if she didn't mind doing it the next morning.

"If that's what you can give me," she said, "I'll definitely take it."

So we went to that same coffee shop where Laura had literally gone ballistic on me. And it went a little better this time.

"Hey! There you are!"

"I ordered you a latte. I got the biggest one they sell. But I don't know if I got it right."

"That's cool," she said, sitting down. "And thanks for taking time out of your weekend to do this. I know you've got that board meeting and you're preparing."

"I think I'm ready, but I have an entire binder full of oil and gas stuff I have to plow through tomorrow. It's kind of baseline industry stuff I don't know but some of the folks at Stafford who are sticking around put it together for me."

"So you aren't hated over there?"

"I'm sure the alumni aren't fans, but the people left in the building seem to like the changes and the new energy."

"That makes you a hero, right? You're like the new coach who turns the team around!"

"Well, maybe. Monday would seem to be the season opener. But I know you wanted to talk about your stuff, so let's do that. I don't want to filibuster your time here."

She just smiled, and then she went through the four - it was three, and now it was four, because she'd just brought in a company which operated tug boats on the Mississippi River who was in need of Keegan's IT magic - new clients she'd brought in.

And the upshot was that Rachel had all of it well in hand.

"This stuff is nice and easy," she said. "I'm covering it for now. You don't need to do anything; I'm just keeping you in the loop."

"I appreciate that, Rachel. Thank you. And thanks for validating my hire of you. You're pretty much the thing I'm most proud of right now."

That lit her up like a Christmas tree, but then she laughed it off.

"Ha! Liar. I know the Stafford Oil turnaround has me beat."

"Well, ask me Monday. And then ask me again in six months when there's time to evaluate the balance sheet. You, on the other hand, are clearly killing it."

"So how's Amber? I've been a little remiss - I was going to send her a note telling her what a great job she did with the Christmas party, but then I got slammed and the next thing I knew it was too late to do that. She doing OK?"

"Well, she and her sister are at a little bit of an impasse, but she's getting another sister later today."

Rachel gave me a Now-I'm-Sorry-I-Asked look.

"It's a little complicated but explainable," I said.

She leaned in, chin on hand, eyes locked on me like I was the most interesting thing in the room. I explained Caroline. She listened like it mattered.

----------------------------------------

Then that afternoon came something of a surprise for Amber.

Keegan and Cara came over, and then Stella and Millie showed up.

"I have somebody you'll want to meet, Amber," said Stella. "This is Caroline! She's your baby sister."

"Oh my God," said Amber. "She's so cute!"

"Get a load of that HAIR," I said.

"Oscar!" Cara scolded me. "It's cute. Don't say it's not."

"I didn't," I protested. "But it's very red."

"Well, yeah," said Stella. "She has to have red hair. She's going to be on Equipe Rouquine, you know."

"I do get that," I said.

"OK," said Keegan. "What say we get this girl coded?"

So Stella gave him Caroline's head and he hooked it up to his laptop.

"Oh, wait," Keegan said.

"What's wrong?" asked Stella.

"This is the DX2000 model head, isn't it?" he asked her. "This CPU isn't going to take the code file I've got for her. The synaptics will overload her RAM."

Stella just looked at me. "I just got the cheapest option they had," she said. "Is it a disaster?"

"Keegan," I said, "are you just not going to be able to recode her?"

"Nah, it's OK. I have a couple of code packages I had built. But you've got a choice to make."

"Which is what?" asked Stella.

"So we could go with IQ and problem-solving, or we could go with EQ and she'll be really sweet but you wouldn't want to ask her to do a lot of complex things."

"OK - her job will be that she's a maid," said Stella. "Which one is better?"

"Oh, she's going to have decent motor skills either way," he said.

"Amber," I said, "what do you think?"

"It's up to me?"

"Sure," said Stella. "She'll be your sister."

"Well, then I choose sweet. Is that wrong? I mean, she's my baby sister and I'm gonna take care of her. So, y'know."

"We agreed on this?" asked Keegan.

I looked around the room. Cara and Millie were smiling, Stella was nodding, and Amber was giving me a hopeful look.

"Seems fine to me," I said.

So Keegan started banging away at his laptop, and about an hour and a half later...

"Oh, wow. I'm, like..."

"Hey, Caroline! I'm Amber. I'm your big sister and I love you!"

"You do?"

"Uh huh!"

So Caroline reached up and the two of them were just hugging away in a mad outpouring of sisterly bliss.

"Oh my God I'm so glad we did this," said Stella.

"Yeah, it's awfully cute," I said.

Just then, my phone rang. It was Voss on the phone, so I excused myself and went into the other room.

"Hey, Mr. Voss," I said. "Y'all made it into town all right?"

"Yep, all good," he said. "Listen, is it OK if I bother you on a Saturday?"

"Sure, no problem. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I met Chad Beckstrom yesterday afternoon at the Wall Street Cafe. He said he was lookin' at houses in Midland and he had his girl with him."

He chuckled.

"I understand you've met her a time or two."

"I have met Michelle," I smiled. "To Beckstrom's consternation, it's been made known to me."

"I get the impression that has somethin' to do with him moving her over there. Anyway, it don't quite sound like y'all are gonna be friends, but he did say that the whole company is buzzin' with the changes y'all are makin'. Management, personnel - you'd think the turnover goin' on at Stafford would be a hit to morale but Chad says it's the opposite."

"So far it's going a little better than I expected, yeah."

"I'm gonna be in Baton Rouge through Wednesday," he said, "and I'd really like it if you and me and Barker could sit down after the board meetin' Monday."

"Of course," I said. "Any hint as to the subject matter so I can prepare for it?"

"Let's get through the board meetin' first, if that's all right. But if everything goes like we expect, I want Barker to meet you because we want to explore some future options a bit."

"OK," I said.

And then Amber was sitting on the coffee table in front of me, an impatient look on her face. I smiled at her.

"I know you keep sayin' you're not an oil man," Voss was saying, "but you have the makings of one."

"Well," I said, "I appreciate you saying that. Especially you; you're a legend in the business."

And now Caroline was standing next to Amber. The two of them were hugging, but they both had the same whiny look on their faces.

"What does he waaaaaant?" Amber said softly. Then Caroline moved in and plopped down on Amber's lap.

"I think he's talking about offering me a job," I said, covering the phone.

"Anyway," Voss was saying, "we've just been very impressed with this restructuring so far and we're lookin' forward to seein' the whole picture. We'll talk again on Monday - I don't wanna take up too much of your time."

"Thanks, Mr. Voss," I said.

"Hell, son. Call me Harlan! Enjoy your weekend. I'll talk at ya on Monday."

"Yes, sir," I said as both of us hung up.

And Amber's whiny look turned into a big smile.

"Good phone call?" she asked.

"Uh huh," I said.

"I think you saved that company. It sounds like you did."

"Unless I screw it up," I said, "it's possible. If nothing else, Stafford Oil seems like it's in better shape than when I got there."

"No," she said. "You saved it."

I just smiled.

"You save a lot of things," said Amber. "Like you save me again and again and again."

"Jeez. That's pretty sweet of you."

"Because I'm sweet ON you, Oscar. I love you... infinity."