Season 2, Episode 11: Disagreeable Exes

Episodes May 22, 2026

Chris Castegna was a fraternity brother of mine and an old friend, and I was meeting him for coffee to talk further about getting an IT contract out of the large billboard advertising company he worked for. I got up to get refills for both of us, and there was...

...Laura.

Keegan's soon-to-be ex-wife. Their divorce wasn't final yet, though any chance of a cordial relationship with the two of them definitely was. Keegan had been telling me about Laura's antics and how she had basically come apart after he'd thrown her out of the house.

I could tell he wasn't lying. She looked even more unhinged than normal as she glowered at me.

"Hi, Laura," I said. "How are you?"

"You ruined my life, that's how I am."

"I don't... think that's true."

"Oh, yes it is. You're the one who introduced him to the sex robots and it broke up his marriage and left his kids without a father."

"Laura, those are your kids, not his. And you never let him be a father to them. Come on now."

"Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Don't you play dumb with me."

"I'm not playing dumb. Actually, I'm not playing at all. I'm not having a confrontation with you here, in front of God and everybody. I'm having a business meeting."

"Hi, Laura," Chris said, from the table behind her.

She turned to look at him, then back at me.

"I'm not done with you," she said.

"I beg to differ," I said, sliding past her. "Excuse me."

"Jeez," said Chris. "A nose ring?"

"I don't know how he managed to stay with her as long as he did," I said.

"Is she gonna interfere with Keegan's ability to, y'know..."

"No. He has an entire AI package already set up that will optimize your digital billboard rotations in real time. You'll be able to sell down to 10-second units, and..."

"Dude, you don't have to sell me on this. I'm in. I just need to take it to Oliver, and he might want y'all to present it, but I doubt that's a problem. But I do have a request."

"Yeah, sure. Whatcha got?"

"Christa wants to meet your robot."

"What? Why?"

"She's curious. Peyton told her about... Amber?"

I nodded.

"Anyway, she was initially really mad at you. She was like, 'why doesn't he just ask Peyton to marry him?' And I told her that all your guy friends were trying to get you to stop seeing that bitch altogether. She didn't have much to say about that, but then a couple of days ago when I told her we were getting together, she said you should bring your Factory Girl over for dinner one night."

"That's sort of out of the blue."

"You know Christa. She needs to know everything and everybody. So what do you think?"

"Yeah, we can do that. Might have to be after the holidays, though. Amber has that maid job and they're totally slammed right now."

He nodded, and we made small talk for a few minutes before Chris had to take off. So did I, but then Laura accosted me again.

"Oh, come on," I said.

"No. You should at least apologize for having gotten my husband into this sex robot obsession of his."

"First of all, he isn't obsessed with Cara. Second, Keegan is a tech geek! Do you really think an AI robot isn't something he would eventually have? You're the one who let it destroy your marriage, not that you had much of one to begin with."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" she exploded.

"Laura, let me ask you a question. When was the last time you did or said something sweet for or to him? When was the last time you gave him a compliment, thanked him, made him feel worthy? I'll bet you can't even remember."

She just glowered at me.

"Think about it," I said. "And then reconsider whether you ought to be blaming other people for things you did all by yourself."

So I turned and headed for the door, only to see...

...a ceramic mug fly past my head into the plate glass window, shattering it.

I turned back to look at Laura, who had her hands on her face. I could hear the manager from behind the counter say that he was calling the police.

"I'm a gentleman," I said to her, "and you're lucky for that - because otherwise I would whip your ass. You just tried to kill me."

"I..."

"No. Fuck you."

I gave my card to the manager and told him that the cops were welcome to call me as a witness. I'd decide later whether I wanted to press charges.

"Oscar, please..." she stammered.

"Laura, I've never liked you. I don't know that anybody has. You make it impossible. Don't ever accost me again."

And I left.

Because now I was late for a meeting with Michael and Erica over at Stafford Oil. Through a series of lucky breaks with stoplights and some relatively unwise highway speeds I managed to get downtown in time to be inoffensively tardy.

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"Well, we're all set to get started with the top-level audit," Michael said. "When can we get that going?"

"How about Monday?" I said.

"Can we tap the brakes here?" That was Erica.

"Sure," I said. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I'm concerned that undergoing a forensic audit of the whole company is going to cause a revolt among the management, and should we really be doing that now?"

"Now's the perfect time to do it," I said.

"I don't understand."

"Michael is the new CEO. This is his opportunity to make an impression and a statement - and the statement is that Stafford Oil is a professional operation and not a boys' club anymore."

"We're letting way too much money run out the door, mom," said Michael.

"OK, but you're acting like the people you want to audit haven't been with us for years and years," said Erica. "Now it's going to look like we don't trust them. They won't like it."

"That's just it," said Michael. "I need the audit before I can trust any of them. These were Dad's guys. They aren't mine."

"You're bringing me in as a management consultant," I said. "The forensic audit is really the crucial step in that, because without it I can't get a truly objective assessment of how to help your company maximize its profits and, ultimately, its valuation."

"Stop. What does valuation mean?"

"You want to have a high valuation for a number of reasons," I said, "and it's a function of the assets you possess and of course the profitability."

"No, I get that, but why are you interested in setting a valuation?"

"In case you'd want to sell," I said. "Or..."

She shot out of her chair. The look she shot me could kill from a thousand yards.

"Or if you need to borrow against the company to finance new projects," I said, calmly.

"Mom," Michael cut in, as Erica simmered down and retook her seat, "without cleaning up the books and making a more efficient operation we are not going to survive it when Harlan Voss makes his run at us on the board. The blood is already in the water."

"I'm against the audit," she said. "You're treating these men who built the company at Jim's side like a bunch of criminals."

"Well, without it I'm not sure where to begin."

"We can have your guy look into the IT structure," said Michael, sighing. "Let's start with that, and we can at least get started with the performance review interviews."

"What performance review interviews?" asked Erica.

"Bob-and-Bobs," I said.

"What does that mean?"

"Bob and Bob were the consultants in Office Space. They had everybody in the company come in and talk about what they did all day. We're going to have to do that here whether it's before the audit or after, so..."

"You're going to interrogate all of our employees?"

"That isn't how I expect it'll go," I said. "Mostly I'm going to be asking for ideas, assessments, suggestions on how to improve your operations from people who are on the front lines every day."

"Again, it seems... invasive. I don't think they'll like it."

"I don't really care," said Michael.

"I've done a number of these," I said, "and what I find is that the best folks, the ones you really want to keep, lean in. They usually can't wait to give input on how the team can work better. My guess is Stafford Oil hasn't done anything like this in a long time and you've got lots of people here who haven't been asked for their ideas, maybe ever."

"I don't know. Maybe this is a bad idea. I'm sorry, Oscar."

I leaned back in my chair.

"Well, I don't know where that leaves us," I said. "I was under the impression that you've got a crisis on your board; I don't think you can resolve that by doing nothing."

"I'm not saying do nothing! But there have to be alternatives to overturning the whole operation!"

She and I just sort of stared at each other, and I started to realize this had nothing to do with Stafford Oil at all.

This was about Erica resisting change. And resisting me as an agent of that change. And there was no point in pushing her any further, at least not then.

"Well," I said to Michael, "I'm kind of at a stopping point as a management consultant if I can't do core management-consultant things. I guess, get back to me if you want to go forward?"

"Yeah," he said. "We'll figure something out."

So I got up, shook his hand and gave Erica a quick, soulless corporate hug and endured the sour look she gave me, and then rode the elevator down to the parking garage.

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Then I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Amber had texted me a list of things we needed.

Where I ran into Charlotte.

Charlotte Jackson was an ex of mine. I dated her briefly, a few years after Felicity and I broke up. It was never really serious. More of an experiment, really. She was a liquor rep I'd gotten to know when I was working the field for that food service company, and we had hooked up a couple of times, so we decided to give it a go and try a relationship.

But the crazy was strong with Charlotte. Worse than that, she was a liar and a bad one.

And that hadn't changed, because in a short three minute conversation I caught her in three different lies.

"...No, seriously. I almost died. Anaphylactic shock."

"Not from sour milk you didn't. Come on, Charlotte."

"I can show you the ER receipt. They had to revive me."

"It's OK. I'll believe you if you want."

"And then there was the stalking. And it's not even over! Tyrus is still doing it. It's more of a cyberstalking thing. I found a camera..."

"Seriously?"

"Yes! You really don't believe me?"

"Does it matter?"

She didn't like that. So she changed the subject to...

"And when the twins come..."

"Twins? Wait, you're pregnant with twins?"

"Yeah. Seven weeks!"

"I thought you said you were in the desert meditating for the last three months, Charlotte. Who's the father?"

"I mean..."

"It's nice to see you again. You look great. Really, though, I gotta go."

She gave me a rotten look. I was starting to wonder if women could give me anything else. And I managed to get the hell out of there, though without a couple of items on Amber's list.

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"Hey, honey! I'm so glad you're home!"

"Wow, look at you! All dressed up like a happy little housewife. I like it!"

"Really? They sent us home early, so I thought I'd make you dinner. And I know you can't look at me in a sweatshirt and PJ's one more time so I thought I'd at least make an effort."

"I'd say you did more than that. You look gorgeous. And that smells like your lasagna's cooking!"

"Yep," she said, beaming. "You got us some wine?"

"I did. Though I forgot butter and olive oil. I hope that doesn't screw you up. It's been... a day."

"Nope. I can go another day without those. You had a bad day?"

"For some reason, the female sex in general is not pleased with me. I had nothing but lousy interactions with women, including Keegan's ex who tried to kill me with a coffee mug."

She gave me a disbelieving look, and then a kiss.

"Why don't you open that bottle and have a seat, and dinner will be served in just a little while," she said.

I wish I could say Amber's lasagna was as great as it normally is. It wasn't. She'd overcooked the hell out of it, and she apologized profusely for that.

I told her it was fine, and she snuggled with me on the couch as we finished that bottle of wine.

"So Katie is at Dan Cole's tonight. They're doing a retreat or something for the whole company."

"Except you?"

"I wasn't invited."

"Well, that's a snub."

"It's not a snub. It's a punishment. Paula has apparently decided that Katie is her favorite and I'm a little black sheep now. So she caught me topping up my battery when we were doing the Saunders job this afternoon and she yelled at me and told me I wasn't invited to the retreat."

"Well, while I'm on your side, I can kinda see her not being happy that you're taking a break on the job."

"OK, but I'd finished cleaning the room she told me to clean. It's not like I was holding up the job. I'm way faster than Katie is and I would have just been sitting around waiting on her, so I took out my charge plate and plugged it in, and then I sat in a chair and took off my shoe so I could step on the plate and charge. And then I pulled out my phone and did emails for you. It's not like I was unproductive."

"So she caught you with your shoes off, huh?"

"One shoe! Not both! But she took both of my shoes away and then she made me go and dust up in the attic, and I was totally filthy when she brought me home. So that's why I got in the shower and decided to get dressed up for you."

"Awww. I am a little nervous about this topping-up-your-battery stuff, though."

"Because I want to have some energy for when I come home! I don't think it's fair to you that I work all day and you get me just wanting to go to bed."

"I appreciate that, Amber, but your battery is supposed to go for four days and you can't even make it through an afternoon."

She kissed me and begged me to change the subject and I did, but it wasn't like her to overcook a dinner, and she was still shivering even in my arms. And then the battery thing?

It was off. Very off.

Katie came home not long after, and she had something of a glow to her. I didn't ask what it was. I figured it had to do with Paula, and that the less I knew, the better.

Katie mentioned that she was as worn out as Amber was. So Amber and I headed upstairs to give her the couch, and I saw Katie plugging that USB cable into her belly button.

And Amber did the same thing before we went to sleep. Which gave me an idea.

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So the next afternoon, when the two of them were bickering as they came home...

"I'm just saying, these 'pep talks' that Cole is making us sit through? They're a waste of time. We're there to clean his house, not get mentored by him. If I'm going to have a man mentor me it's going to be Oscar, not Cole."

"I can't believe you don't get anything out of what he's saying. I mean, really, Amber. That's just crazy. And you forgot Paula's name today! How much of an airhead ARE you?"

"OK, enough," I said. "Both of you... in my office."

"Are we in trouble?" Amber asked me.

"Nope. But I want to run an experiment. Stand up against the door, please."

"Like, whatever," said Katie.

"All right. We'll start with you. You charged your battery to 100 percent last night, right? When did you unplug?"

"Right around seven this morning."

"And what is your battery charge now?"

She thought for a second.

"Sixty-five percent."

"All right. Amber, you unplugged yours right around the same time. What's your battery charge?"

"Eighteen," she said, sheepishly.

"Oh, that's ridiculous," said Katie. "She's not at eighteen. That's all in her head. Please."

"You think she's lying?" I asked.

"She's not at eighteen."

"We're about to find out."

So I switched their heads.

"OK, Katie, what's your battery charge?"

"It's sixty-seven. And oh my God do I LOVE this body. Amber, any time you want to switch, honey, you just let me know!"

"All right, fine. Amber, how about you?"

"Eighteen," she said, a tear falling from one eye.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. It IS all in your head."

"OK, please don't be mad at me!" she stammered, crying. "I'm doing the best I can, and I..."

"Ssssshhhh," I said, hugging her. "But you're gonna tell me where the box is with your new head. I got a UPS notification yesterday saying it was delivered, and you obviously hid it somewhere."

"It's under the sink in the second bathroom," she said. "But I don't want you to open the box. Please, please don't open it, Oscar."

"I know what you're scared about, honey," I said. "But Keegan and I had a long conversation today about this. He says you're wrong. You don't die and get replaced; he's going to transfer your soul into that new head."

"He can't do that," said Katie. "It won't work."

"Actually, it will. He knows because he's done it to Cara."

"He has?" said Amber.

"Yep. And he's done it to you, do. At the very beginning, he did."

"Wait, what?" said Katie. "What does that mean?"

"She was recoded," I said. "That's why her personality is different than yours."

"But that's just... wrong," said Katie.

"It's not wrong!" Amber yelled at her. "Don't say it's wrong! It's why I'm nicer than you, and people like me better. You should let Keegan do it for you. You'd be happier!"